dear coffee, why aren't you working?

So my drug of choice isn't really cutting it for me right now. I had a portion of leftover pumpkin spice latte with chai and tried to finish it, but it was disgusting. It's probably not a good idea to drink it because it's old. I had trouble sleeping the night I bought it, but I barely drank half of it. The other day, a classmate brewed a pot of coffee right behind me in lab, but instead of usually enjoying the smell of coffee, I felt like throwing up.

It's the middle of the fifth week, and I'm getting to the "lack of motivation" phase of my quarter. I think being sick compounded this phase, especially this quarter, but I just don't want to do anything but sleep right now. This is bad not only academically, but I've been slacking even in ministry matters all quarter. I'll say I'll help out, and I'll do it, but it's like "did I actually really want to help out in the first place" or did I just do that to fulfill what I said I'll do/because I've been doing that task for a long time. I don't feel like I enjoy doing menial/routine tasks that I used to like doing anymore. I just wait for other people to jump in or see what the problem is, react, and think of a solution. In a way, it's kind of freeing not being in a role, because you get to talk to people more or do whatever you need to get done. It kind of passes as me "letting" younger people step it up, but I'm just being lazy.
Maybe it's just me not wanting to listen and choosing to be teachable anymore. I don't think I'm "better" than anyone; it's simply easier to get defensive than to deal with frustrations. Even before this quarter began, I told myself not to be swayed into doing things that I don't want to do, but it has only caused trouble communicating to others why I don't want to commit and more expectations from others for future ministry engagements because I'm "free" from a different ministry's activities. No, I don't want to lead anything. Just... no. I just can't take it. And then there are times where others make me feel wrecked with guilt for not taking on more stuff. It feels like a no-win situation. When I feel guilty in these situations, I just want to avoid communicating to people indefinitely.
You sent me an e-mail? Read it, but I won't reply right away, or I'd write something scathing. Phone call? Missed it. Yes, all three times, or you'd hear me try to suppress lying and tone of voice. Man, that was cruel of me, but I'm not going to lie about it here. Did I do that to avoid/delay conflict? It happens more than not. This probably could be dealt with better by understanding people's personalities/thought analyses, but I haven't cared enough to think through their side of the matter.