Annoyances are a dime a dozen; plentiful and never in short supply.
Like having chicken pox there's always something new popping up and bothersome.
I could wax on of so called grievances.
Wake up. Caffeinate if desired.
Paste indifference on over anger. Patch up the frowning face with a smile.
Don't even imply what you really feel or think.
There's no cure for the pain. The suffering is necessary, right?
It really isn't that bad, is it?
In each interaction, someone must win and someone must lose.
And I might as well be the loser, because some people just impose their will and ways like poison.
Be a keeper of peace, right?
But a sore loser, I am.
Use wit and sarcasm to cover real intent.
Empty and irrelevant words, all of them-- like community and caring and the pervasive "love." Season them in your conversations so you sound good and cultured. Repeat as necessary. Too salty now. Defend your lifestyle and things that you see as un/"just."
Congratulate people on becoming a couple. Then wait for them to break up in a month. Pick a side. Regret your decision.
Don't celebrate moral exemplars, but the people in the media's eye.
Aim higher than merely having comfortable living.
Be the in the "out" crowd for once staring in at the "in" crowd.
It's like I've been walking around with a rock in my shoe for days.
The world is not what I want it to be.
My life is not what I want it to be... yet.
Dreams "for" God aren't plans without God.
I used to be disillusioned to think that I was above all of this.
Beyond mental urges to cut and smoke for release.
But I'm not.
I don't see grace through the cars in traffic that won't let me pass.
I don't see truth lounging on the couch staring at the telly.
Stare at the flowers until they decompose.
Tuesday, November 17, 2009
Wednesday, October 21, 2009
dear coffee, why aren't you working?
So my drug of choice isn't really cutting it for me right now. I had a portion of leftover pumpkin spice latte with chai and tried to finish it, but it was disgusting. It's probably not a good idea to drink it because it's old. I had trouble sleeping the night I bought it, but I barely drank half of it. The other day, a classmate brewed a pot of coffee right behind me in lab, but instead of usually enjoying the smell of coffee, I felt like throwing up.
It's the middle of the fifth week, and I'm getting to the "lack of motivation" phase of my quarter. I think being sick compounded this phase, especially this quarter, but I just don't want to do anything but sleep right now. This is bad not only academically, but I've been slacking even in ministry matters all quarter. I'll say I'll help out, and I'll do it, but it's like "did I actually really want to help out in the first place" or did I just do that to fulfill what I said I'll do/because I've been doing that task for a long time. I don't feel like I enjoy doing menial/routine tasks that I used to like doing anymore. I just wait for other people to jump in or see what the problem is, react, and think of a solution. In a way, it's kind of freeing not being in a role, because you get to talk to people more or do whatever you need to get done. It kind of passes as me "letting" younger people step it up, but I'm just being lazy.
Maybe it's just me not wanting to listen and choosing to be teachable anymore. I don't think I'm "better" than anyone; it's simply easier to get defensive than to deal with frustrations. Even before this quarter began, I told myself not to be swayed into doing things that I don't want to do, but it has only caused trouble communicating to others why I don't want to commit and more expectations from others for future ministry engagements because I'm "free" from a different ministry's activities. No, I don't want to lead anything. Just... no. I just can't take it. And then there are times where others make me feel wrecked with guilt for not taking on more stuff. It feels like a no-win situation. When I feel guilty in these situations, I just want to avoid communicating to people indefinitely.
You sent me an e-mail? Read it, but I won't reply right away, or I'd write something scathing. Phone call? Missed it. Yes, all three times, or you'd hear me try to suppress lying and tone of voice. Man, that was cruel of me, but I'm not going to lie about it here. Did I do that to avoid/delay conflict? It happens more than not. This probably could be dealt with better by understanding people's personalities/thought analyses, but I haven't cared enough to think through their side of the matter.
It's the middle of the fifth week, and I'm getting to the "lack of motivation" phase of my quarter. I think being sick compounded this phase, especially this quarter, but I just don't want to do anything but sleep right now. This is bad not only academically, but I've been slacking even in ministry matters all quarter. I'll say I'll help out, and I'll do it, but it's like "did I actually really want to help out in the first place" or did I just do that to fulfill what I said I'll do/because I've been doing that task for a long time. I don't feel like I enjoy doing menial/routine tasks that I used to like doing anymore. I just wait for other people to jump in or see what the problem is, react, and think of a solution. In a way, it's kind of freeing not being in a role, because you get to talk to people more or do whatever you need to get done. It kind of passes as me "letting" younger people step it up, but I'm just being lazy.
Maybe it's just me not wanting to listen and choosing to be teachable anymore. I don't think I'm "better" than anyone; it's simply easier to get defensive than to deal with frustrations. Even before this quarter began, I told myself not to be swayed into doing things that I don't want to do, but it has only caused trouble communicating to others why I don't want to commit and more expectations from others for future ministry engagements because I'm "free" from a different ministry's activities. No, I don't want to lead anything. Just... no. I just can't take it. And then there are times where others make me feel wrecked with guilt for not taking on more stuff. It feels like a no-win situation. When I feel guilty in these situations, I just want to avoid communicating to people indefinitely.
You sent me an e-mail? Read it, but I won't reply right away, or I'd write something scathing. Phone call? Missed it. Yes, all three times, or you'd hear me try to suppress lying and tone of voice. Man, that was cruel of me, but I'm not going to lie about it here. Did I do that to avoid/delay conflict? It happens more than not. This probably could be dealt with better by understanding people's personalities/thought analyses, but I haven't cared enough to think through their side of the matter.
Wednesday, October 14, 2009
remembering what it's like to be sick and other oddities
I don't precisely remember when I got this sick. Maybe freshman year because I remember someone bringing me soup, but that could have just been a case of bad allergies. It's just a fever and headache, but I've slept more in the past 3 days than I probably get in a normal school-week. Before this, I was even boasting that I can't get sick because of the stuff "I have to get done" but here I am, nearing the end of this stint, but still at home resting. This is the first day I've been awake for more than 4 hours at a time.
Because of this, I've missed the rain that everyone has been complaining about. I tend to think that "horizontal rain" and the blustering wind that flips umbrellas inside out are pretty cool things. It's nothing compared to what might happen around the rest of the world. You know what else is cool? Putting on the visualizer in iTunes and watching it twist random shapes together in some seemingly cosmic array and exploding bursts of color all to the beat of the music. You really can't not smile. Er, well I can't.
Because of this, I've missed the rain that everyone has been complaining about. I tend to think that "horizontal rain" and the blustering wind that flips umbrellas inside out are pretty cool things. It's nothing compared to what might happen around the rest of the world. You know what else is cool? Putting on the visualizer in iTunes and watching it twist random shapes together in some seemingly cosmic array and exploding bursts of color all to the beat of the music. You really can't not smile. Er, well I can't.
Thursday, September 24, 2009
fall again
Ahh it's fall again.
At first I was reluctant to let summer go, but school starting up again has been a welcome distraction from being caught up in over analyzing aspects of things I believe, but not coming to anything conclusive. Sure, there will be stressful things this quarter, but it'll a different kind of mental stress not attached as strongly to emotion. I'm saying this now as part of the "pwnage" stage of quarter when I think I can excel in all of my classes. The next stage will be the disarming stage where I start mildly doubting, which is then followed by the panic (midterms stage where doubt is full blown, and concluding with the acceptance phase where I bite the bullet and basically predict my grade before finals.
I just filled out a request for graduation evaluation. I still need to turn it in, but I can't believe it, really. It just doesn't feel like I have learned all that much from these years that will qualify me to look good in front of potential employers. Even if I do finish in the planned amount of time, I know I still won't feel adequately prepared enough for "the real world." Ugh. I have to pay back the loans I have somehow, right?
It's been kind of weird for me to see this verse popping up from different sources this week.
Jeremiah 29:11-13-- 11 For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. 12 Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. 13 You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart.
Before, when I thought about these verses, I would kind of break them apart and focus on them separately, like only about Him having a plan, but not the seeking/finding part and vice-versa. It's a good reminder for me to read things in context and not just pick a single verse out and isolate it.
At first I was reluctant to let summer go, but school starting up again has been a welcome distraction from being caught up in over analyzing aspects of things I believe, but not coming to anything conclusive. Sure, there will be stressful things this quarter, but it'll a different kind of mental stress not attached as strongly to emotion. I'm saying this now as part of the "pwnage" stage of quarter when I think I can excel in all of my classes. The next stage will be the disarming stage where I start mildly doubting, which is then followed by the panic (midterms stage where doubt is full blown, and concluding with the acceptance phase where I bite the bullet and basically predict my grade before finals.
I just filled out a request for graduation evaluation. I still need to turn it in, but I can't believe it, really. It just doesn't feel like I have learned all that much from these years that will qualify me to look good in front of potential employers. Even if I do finish in the planned amount of time, I know I still won't feel adequately prepared enough for "the real world." Ugh. I have to pay back the loans I have somehow, right?
It's been kind of weird for me to see this verse popping up from different sources this week.
Jeremiah 29:11-13-- 11 For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. 12 Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. 13 You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart.
Before, when I thought about these verses, I would kind of break them apart and focus on them separately, like only about Him having a plan, but not the seeking/finding part and vice-versa. It's a good reminder for me to read things in context and not just pick a single verse out and isolate it.
Monday, August 3, 2009
thoughts on integrity
It's not something I usually think about right off the bat, because most of the time I think I'm a decent person. But the more I think about it, the more I see gaping flaws. I guess the first thing is, well what the heck is integrity and what should it look like today? For me, I'm imagining something that has "structural integrity" and so the object, say a beam is all nice since it has no physical flaws you can see and holds up to its capacity and so on. A failed beam where it's all bent out of shape and has exceeded its capacity obviously isn't structurally sound anymore. It's kind of useless and is now just "decorative," if anything because structure may be compromised.
Sure, I could point fingers and say I don't want to be like so and so (name) because they did such and such (action). Fill in the stuff like mad libs to your liking. Even though I may not be like ___ and scheme people out of billions of dollars, I make compromises everyday. Maybe the individual choices I make don't seem to make that big of a difference, but it adds up and people notice. And when temptation comes I'm going to probably end up compromising as well.
I think this has been bothering me because I 've been choosing to judge people's actions while there's a "speck in someone else's eye as opposed to the plank in mine" and play it cool like it doesn't bother me while I boil. I keep trying to justify it as, "we're all human, so it's ok," but it just doesn't work that way. Back to the beam example. If you can see the curvature of two failed beams and one you can tell one is less curved, does it make it any more safe? Obviously not because that's not what we're supposed to be measuring up to; we want the beam that hasn't failed.
I've kind of thought of integrity as being an integral (ha) part of being a good leader. You can obviously see people that were in high positions of leadership that fell when they screwed up somewhere along the way and didn't have the integrity then to do something about it at first. I see it as kind of a flowchart:
idea> desire> attitude> plan> discipline (choice, faith)> habits (perseverance, focus)> lifestyle (transparency)> influence (skills, vision, humility, integrity/character)> leadership
So on Sunday the pastor emphasized how we must have a plan in order to maintain integrity. He talked about Billy Graham's "Modesto Manifesto" and how he promised not to compromise in these four areas: sexual immorality, finances, numbers of faith, and criticizing other churches. For example, he said he'd wouldn't travel alone with a female besides his wife and he didn't. You can look up the other details if you want, but I've been meaning to write down my own so that I can be accountable for my actions/inactions and not fall on a slippery slope.
- I will not watch movies and other media that are saturated with sex or violence and if there are those scenes, I will take the following steps which are not limited to: covering my ears and singing incessantly off key, closing my eyes, and doing the safety dance.
- I'm trying out this internet monitoring software called x3watch where they'll email my accountability partner if I visit questionable sites, which I don't.
- I will try not to be so stiffnecked and travel alone if I can avoid it, more for my own good and my mom's sanity. It's something that I usually take for granted because I'm under the illusion I can take on anyone and win.
- I will commit to tithing at least 10% of my income as well as giving to other causes.
Other random recent thoughts:
- Do celebs actually go to jury duty, because people would totally know who they were and then go all apecrazy on them?
- If Bakersfield is the armpit of California, then where is the brain?
- Is it me or is digital tv terrible because of the huge blocky chunks that interrupt shows all the time? Sure, you give us more channels, but you sure can't watch a show without having problems.
Sure, I could point fingers and say I don't want to be like so and so (name) because they did such and such (action). Fill in the stuff like mad libs to your liking. Even though I may not be like ___ and scheme people out of billions of dollars, I make compromises everyday. Maybe the individual choices I make don't seem to make that big of a difference, but it adds up and people notice. And when temptation comes I'm going to probably end up compromising as well.
I think this has been bothering me because I 've been choosing to judge people's actions while there's a "speck in someone else's eye as opposed to the plank in mine" and play it cool like it doesn't bother me while I boil. I keep trying to justify it as, "we're all human, so it's ok," but it just doesn't work that way. Back to the beam example. If you can see the curvature of two failed beams and one you can tell one is less curved, does it make it any more safe? Obviously not because that's not what we're supposed to be measuring up to; we want the beam that hasn't failed.
I've kind of thought of integrity as being an integral (ha) part of being a good leader. You can obviously see people that were in high positions of leadership that fell when they screwed up somewhere along the way and didn't have the integrity then to do something about it at first. I see it as kind of a flowchart:
idea> desire> attitude> plan> discipline (choice, faith)> habits (perseverance, focus)> lifestyle (transparency)> influence (skills, vision, humility, integrity/character)> leadership
So on Sunday the pastor emphasized how we must have a plan in order to maintain integrity. He talked about Billy Graham's "Modesto Manifesto" and how he promised not to compromise in these four areas: sexual immorality, finances, numbers of faith, and criticizing other churches. For example, he said he'd wouldn't travel alone with a female besides his wife and he didn't. You can look up the other details if you want, but I've been meaning to write down my own so that I can be accountable for my actions/inactions and not fall on a slippery slope.
- I will not watch movies and other media that are saturated with sex or violence and if there are those scenes, I will take the following steps which are not limited to: covering my ears and singing incessantly off key, closing my eyes, and doing the safety dance.
- I'm trying out this internet monitoring software called x3watch where they'll email my accountability partner if I visit questionable sites, which I don't.
- I will try not to be so stiffnecked and travel alone if I can avoid it, more for my own good and my mom's sanity. It's something that I usually take for granted because I'm under the illusion I can take on anyone and win.
- I will commit to tithing at least 10% of my income as well as giving to other causes.
Other random recent thoughts:
- Do celebs actually go to jury duty, because people would totally know who they were and then go all apecrazy on them?
- If Bakersfield is the armpit of California, then where is the brain?
- Is it me or is digital tv terrible because of the huge blocky chunks that interrupt shows all the time? Sure, you give us more channels, but you sure can't watch a show without having problems.
Thursday, July 23, 2009
july ramblings
Wow, July's almost ending already? It seems to have gone by way too fast.
I'm working an actual 9-5 "part time" job, but it doesn't seem to be that difficult, just time consuming web searches. I like it. It's pretty lax at the office. It's pretty quiet so I listen to music. I broke my headphones. Left earbud died first this time. All the other times I've managed to break the right side first. As long as I get my job done, right? That (work) and taking the bus (yay for public transportation) takes about thirty minutes each way, but adding wait/walking time it adds up to an hour. Basically I'm just saving money from parking and gas for $1.75 bus fare each way, time, and being creeped out by weird people on the bus.
I'm usually not creeped out by "weird" people, but things like people that just happen to follow the route you walk home and people that try to ask your name and keep talking to you are not common. I thought I was being cautious with the being followed. I sped up and made sure I turned quickly and didn't see him, but as I got into my car to go somewhere I saw them round the corner. Perhaps he was just a neighbor, but you never know. Maybe it's just paranoia, maybe it's me being on edge, but darnit, some people on the bus scare me more than most. And it's not like I want to go out of my way to take different buses back. When people follow you, it's not like you want to kill them off by walking 3 left/right turns in a row; no, you just want to get to your destination ASAP.
I think the "safest" seats on a bus are in the middle, right by the exit, but still facing the front. Too far back and you get the sleepers and some loud conversationists near the face-to-face seating area. Too close in the front you risk the chance of getting moved because there are disabled people and you get the people that talk to the bus driver every day or the ones who seem like they're in a rush to leave and don't read the signs that say exit using the rear door rather than the front door.
I've basically have developed a habit around working times, but it always seems like I'm in a mindset where it's a rush to get to the next place or do the next thing. The day just seems to repeat itself and all I do is press the off button on the alarm. I can't wait until I get to travel... which is going to happen eventually, but as usual it's going to be left undecided until the last minute.
I'm working an actual 9-5 "part time" job, but it doesn't seem to be that difficult, just time consuming web searches. I like it. It's pretty lax at the office. It's pretty quiet so I listen to music. I broke my headphones. Left earbud died first this time. All the other times I've managed to break the right side first. As long as I get my job done, right? That (work) and taking the bus (yay for public transportation) takes about thirty minutes each way, but adding wait/walking time it adds up to an hour. Basically I'm just saving money from parking and gas for $1.75 bus fare each way, time, and being creeped out by weird people on the bus.
I'm usually not creeped out by "weird" people, but things like people that just happen to follow the route you walk home and people that try to ask your name and keep talking to you are not common. I thought I was being cautious with the being followed. I sped up and made sure I turned quickly and didn't see him, but as I got into my car to go somewhere I saw them round the corner. Perhaps he was just a neighbor, but you never know. Maybe it's just paranoia, maybe it's me being on edge, but darnit, some people on the bus scare me more than most. And it's not like I want to go out of my way to take different buses back. When people follow you, it's not like you want to kill them off by walking 3 left/right turns in a row; no, you just want to get to your destination ASAP.
I think the "safest" seats on a bus are in the middle, right by the exit, but still facing the front. Too far back and you get the sleepers and some loud conversationists near the face-to-face seating area. Too close in the front you risk the chance of getting moved because there are disabled people and you get the people that talk to the bus driver every day or the ones who seem like they're in a rush to leave and don't read the signs that say exit using the rear door rather than the front door.
I've basically have developed a habit around working times, but it always seems like I'm in a mindset where it's a rush to get to the next place or do the next thing. The day just seems to repeat itself and all I do is press the off button on the alarm. I can't wait until I get to travel... which is going to happen eventually, but as usual it's going to be left undecided until the last minute.
Wednesday, June 24, 2009
"up" in real life
If you haven't already seen the pictures, people have been calling this one house in Seattle "Up" in real life.
Wind sabotages 'UP' balloon display over Macefield home (see picture)
New York Times article
Google Map of Location
Although I haven't seen the movie yet (hopefully soon), and the home just had balloons to promote the movie, I'm intrigued by the owner of the house, Edith Macefield's story. Maybe it's because it reminds me of a different nail house I read when I was a kid.
Ok, so if you're not going to read the articles... basically, developers built around her house when she refused several offers (as much as $1 million) to relocate. The old lady just wanted to live in and die in her house she bought in 1952. Ms. Macefield ends up dying of pancreatic cancer and leaves Barry Martin her home. He's actually the superintendent of construction for the project that's around her. The Times article is a bit old, so it's not clear to me what's going to happen to the house, but in that article he says he plans on selling the house to pay for his daughter's college education. The latest article I found still says there's no decision yet on what to do with the house.
Of course now there are different people wanting to do different things, like turn it into a cafe, a place for homeless, a place for musicians, and so on and so forth. Then there are those who want to tear the place down and finish off construction of the new retail area. I really don't have an opinion for either. Both buildings have their purpose. People are going to buy stuff at Trader Joe's and work out at LA Fitness. And then there's the historical value for houses built in 1900.
Granted I don't know the full magnitude of what's going on and I'm not from the area, after reading these articles, I think they could have published the 1,138 page book she wrote titled, "Where Yesterday Began" or her other writings. The benefits would be two-fold, first it'd tell a story, whether or not it is realistic, I don't know, but it from stories that you get into the mind of the writer. Second, I'm sure some bit of money can be made, and that opens up more possibilities for Mr. Martin to choose from for the house instead of just outright selling off the house. The Times says it was published in 1994 under a pen name, but the quick searches I've done haven't brought any book up. If it's already published anyway, there should be few reasons that people are afraid she wouldn't want others to read her book.
---
In other news, if this isn't the one of the most scathing movie reviews I've read, I don't know what a bad review is.
Wind sabotages 'UP' balloon display over Macefield home (see picture)
New York Times article
Google Map of Location
Although I haven't seen the movie yet (hopefully soon), and the home just had balloons to promote the movie, I'm intrigued by the owner of the house, Edith Macefield's story. Maybe it's because it reminds me of a different nail house I read when I was a kid.
Ok, so if you're not going to read the articles... basically, developers built around her house when she refused several offers (as much as $1 million) to relocate. The old lady just wanted to live in and die in her house she bought in 1952. Ms. Macefield ends up dying of pancreatic cancer and leaves Barry Martin her home. He's actually the superintendent of construction for the project that's around her. The Times article is a bit old, so it's not clear to me what's going to happen to the house, but in that article he says he plans on selling the house to pay for his daughter's college education. The latest article I found still says there's no decision yet on what to do with the house.
Of course now there are different people wanting to do different things, like turn it into a cafe, a place for homeless, a place for musicians, and so on and so forth. Then there are those who want to tear the place down and finish off construction of the new retail area. I really don't have an opinion for either. Both buildings have their purpose. People are going to buy stuff at Trader Joe's and work out at LA Fitness. And then there's the historical value for houses built in 1900.
Granted I don't know the full magnitude of what's going on and I'm not from the area, after reading these articles, I think they could have published the 1,138 page book she wrote titled, "Where Yesterday Began" or her other writings. The benefits would be two-fold, first it'd tell a story, whether or not it is realistic, I don't know, but it from stories that you get into the mind of the writer. Second, I'm sure some bit of money can be made, and that opens up more possibilities for Mr. Martin to choose from for the house instead of just outright selling off the house. The Times says it was published in 1994 under a pen name, but the quick searches I've done haven't brought any book up. If it's already published anyway, there should be few reasons that people are afraid she wouldn't want others to read her book.
---
In other news, if this isn't the one of the most scathing movie reviews I've read, I don't know what a bad review is.
Thursday, June 11, 2009
and summer begins
The end of my fourth year has been more or less completed. It's a relief, at least for now until I get my grades, which I won't check until much later than they're posted. Time and again I get lazy mid-quarter and then I get my butt kicked by finals. Although it's been four years, I still feel like I know nothing compared to the vast amount of knowledge that people in industry know. I suppose that's why there's so many flaming hoops (tests) we have to jump through before we can sign off on important project documents.
It has been easy the last couple of weeks to isolate myself with just doing work and just sit back and people watch, but it's more than that. I haven't been able to focus finals time this whole school year. Maybe I'll pinpoint it starting 208 days ago and getting worse 184 days ago. I'm still not "over" it.
I don't even know where to begin, but I need to get it out because I'm tired of holding it in. No one ever asks, anyway.
When I was four and we had just moved, he had fourth stage Nasal-Pharyngeal Carcinoma, a type of cancer. Three years later, he was in remission after radiation treatment. As a kid, I didn't know any better and thought that this "stay at home dad" was a lazy bum sleeping on our couch all his days, interjecting once in a while to yell at us to do our homework and to consult his worn out college Webster's dictionary on his handmade dictionary stand for all terms we didn't understand. All the while, my mom worked like crazy (seriously, I don't remember spending any whole weekdays with her). She'd work from like 10 or 11am to 8pm and then dad would always ask what we kids wanted to eat for dinner and then cook it (no matter how elaborate. if we wanted General Tso's Chicken, he would cook it within the week) and we'd all sit down to eat around 9pm. Thus began my routine of staying up late. I was ashamed of him and for him, because he was not the typical Asian dad. Not just because he was proficient in English, but because when he'd pick us up from school, he'd be waiting for us while doing some strange punching and kicking wing-chun/kung-fu moves against metal poles and my classmates thought he was mentally deranged. Then at church, he'd always be the loudest voice in the place. He would sing alright, you could see he enjoyed that, but it was never in the right key. So awkward. Oh yeah, and you don't see that many hardcore Asian Republicans. He had 8x10 pictures of George Bush pinned up on the wall in our living room. We'd take them down and hide them when guests came.
As I grew, I used the excuse my dad had cancer as a badge of pride, although I never realized the magnitude of what he went through. He continued to be the stay at home dad and took care of my invalid grandmother (his mother-in-law) until she went to a nursing home. I remember being super pissed that it took like an hour to spoon feed her at each meal and not to mention change her and I only did it sometimes. He did it day in and day out. It wasn't until after my return from my missions trip and before I started sophomore year of college that he found out he had Acute Myeloid Leukemia after drastically losing 10 pounds. At first you're shocked and panicky, but then time wears off the urgency of the matter especially when you don't even see them everyday and then lose count of how many times they've had treatments or have been in the hospital. He had been praying since the last cancer to live 25 more years to see us grow up. He saw 18.
Gosh, I remember Thanksgiving after we found out he had a couple weeks. I cooked everything and then put them into tupperware to take into the hospital. When we got there we had to wear those powder blue masks and gloves to enter his room, but at least we ate together.
Fall quarter's finals week was the worst. I had finals starting on Wednesday, so I went back home because relatives were visiting. I saw him the morning before he died. I saw the mass of doctors that ran in after he had a hard time breathing. I fell asleep studying my psych book. I left to go back to school. My mom jokes if my dad knows when my birthday is. Surprisingly, he gets it right (because he usually answers incorrectly) and says it's a week away. As I leave to go back to school, I say, "I'll see you in a few days." And he says he usual reassurances like, "be good," "take care of yourself; get some sleep," and "stay strong." Midway on my trip, mom calls to see how far I was to school. Because I was halfway there, she didn't tell me to go back. I should have gone back. After 15 missed calls and voicemails from a charging phone on vibrate and a nap, I get the news.
We carried the casket. For the second time in two years.
I still talk and refer to him like he's around and then I remember and try to catch myself before it gets awkward for everyone else. I can't sing certain songs at church anymore without conjuring up memories even if it's unrelated to the song itself. And when I return home, I'll see remnants and be reminded even more.
It has been easy the last couple of weeks to isolate myself with just doing work and just sit back and people watch, but it's more than that. I haven't been able to focus finals time this whole school year. Maybe I'll pinpoint it starting 208 days ago and getting worse 184 days ago. I'm still not "over" it.
I don't even know where to begin, but I need to get it out because I'm tired of holding it in. No one ever asks, anyway.
When I was four and we had just moved, he had fourth stage Nasal-Pharyngeal Carcinoma, a type of cancer. Three years later, he was in remission after radiation treatment. As a kid, I didn't know any better and thought that this "stay at home dad" was a lazy bum sleeping on our couch all his days, interjecting once in a while to yell at us to do our homework and to consult his worn out college Webster's dictionary on his handmade dictionary stand for all terms we didn't understand. All the while, my mom worked like crazy (seriously, I don't remember spending any whole weekdays with her). She'd work from like 10 or 11am to 8pm and then dad would always ask what we kids wanted to eat for dinner and then cook it (no matter how elaborate. if we wanted General Tso's Chicken, he would cook it within the week) and we'd all sit down to eat around 9pm. Thus began my routine of staying up late. I was ashamed of him and for him, because he was not the typical Asian dad. Not just because he was proficient in English, but because when he'd pick us up from school, he'd be waiting for us while doing some strange punching and kicking wing-chun/kung-fu moves against metal poles and my classmates thought he was mentally deranged. Then at church, he'd always be the loudest voice in the place. He would sing alright, you could see he enjoyed that, but it was never in the right key. So awkward. Oh yeah, and you don't see that many hardcore Asian Republicans. He had 8x10 pictures of George Bush pinned up on the wall in our living room. We'd take them down and hide them when guests came.
As I grew, I used the excuse my dad had cancer as a badge of pride, although I never realized the magnitude of what he went through. He continued to be the stay at home dad and took care of my invalid grandmother (his mother-in-law) until she went to a nursing home. I remember being super pissed that it took like an hour to spoon feed her at each meal and not to mention change her and I only did it sometimes. He did it day in and day out. It wasn't until after my return from my missions trip and before I started sophomore year of college that he found out he had Acute Myeloid Leukemia after drastically losing 10 pounds. At first you're shocked and panicky, but then time wears off the urgency of the matter especially when you don't even see them everyday and then lose count of how many times they've had treatments or have been in the hospital. He had been praying since the last cancer to live 25 more years to see us grow up. He saw 18.
Gosh, I remember Thanksgiving after we found out he had a couple weeks. I cooked everything and then put them into tupperware to take into the hospital. When we got there we had to wear those powder blue masks and gloves to enter his room, but at least we ate together.
Fall quarter's finals week was the worst. I had finals starting on Wednesday, so I went back home because relatives were visiting. I saw him the morning before he died. I saw the mass of doctors that ran in after he had a hard time breathing. I fell asleep studying my psych book. I left to go back to school. My mom jokes if my dad knows when my birthday is. Surprisingly, he gets it right (because he usually answers incorrectly) and says it's a week away. As I leave to go back to school, I say, "I'll see you in a few days." And he says he usual reassurances like, "be good," "take care of yourself; get some sleep," and "stay strong." Midway on my trip, mom calls to see how far I was to school. Because I was halfway there, she didn't tell me to go back. I should have gone back. After 15 missed calls and voicemails from a charging phone on vibrate and a nap, I get the news.
We carried the casket. For the second time in two years.
I still talk and refer to him like he's around and then I remember and try to catch myself before it gets awkward for everyone else. I can't sing certain songs at church anymore without conjuring up memories even if it's unrelated to the song itself. And when I return home, I'll see remnants and be reminded even more.
Saturday, May 16, 2009
it doesn't matter
For the first time in a really long while, I had a nightmare two Sunday mornings ago. And it wasn't even just one of those dark dreams where you hope never happens, but it was one of those that is rooted in past events, that loves to seep in your mind afterward making you think hard about it, waking you up and keeping you paralyzed and frightened at night. Yeah, one of those. It kept me up for a while, even though I was tired.
It still bothers me.
I got straight up called out in class by one prof last week. He was like, "why are you all so tired... and called me out by name. Was it this class, was it that class? I understand that you have other classes, but you need to buckle down for this class at least one week." It's probably because I'm headbobbing in class. I've been headbobbing in most of my classes.
Yesterday I turned in a big project that was about half completed even though I did several all nighters to try and get more done. Never mind that I waited about 4 hours to download the student version of the program, plus another 2 to install it and then work on the model. Guess what? The version I used didn't work at the school computers (it wasn't backwards compatible) when I wanted to print it out, so I told the prof (a different one). He didn't seem to care, and oh yeah, his syllabus said he doesn't take late work. Nothing works and the file can't even be saved as an older file. So I end up spending another 4-5 hours on a new model. Good thing he allowed me to turn it in (albeit a little reluctantly asking me why it didn't work the first time again), but the quality of work was terrible. I think I'm going to fail this class. And it's not that I don't understand the stuff. It's that I take forever to produce the work.
It feels weird to see friends graduate when you're supposedly their grade and not graduating.
And I want to die. That's all. Or at least go home home. I'm such a downer, aren't I?
It still bothers me.
I got straight up called out in class by one prof last week. He was like, "why are you all so tired... and called me out by name. Was it this class, was it that class? I understand that you have other classes, but you need to buckle down for this class at least one week." It's probably because I'm headbobbing in class. I've been headbobbing in most of my classes.
Yesterday I turned in a big project that was about half completed even though I did several all nighters to try and get more done. Never mind that I waited about 4 hours to download the student version of the program, plus another 2 to install it and then work on the model. Guess what? The version I used didn't work at the school computers (it wasn't backwards compatible) when I wanted to print it out, so I told the prof (a different one). He didn't seem to care, and oh yeah, his syllabus said he doesn't take late work. Nothing works and the file can't even be saved as an older file. So I end up spending another 4-5 hours on a new model. Good thing he allowed me to turn it in (albeit a little reluctantly asking me why it didn't work the first time again), but the quality of work was terrible. I think I'm going to fail this class. And it's not that I don't understand the stuff. It's that I take forever to produce the work.
It feels weird to see friends graduate when you're supposedly their grade and not graduating.
And I want to die. That's all. Or at least go home home. I'm such a downer, aren't I?
Friday, May 8, 2009
limp vegetable
我的头很快就來爆炸了. I feel like a limp, overcooked vegetable. Can't think straight. Not to mention that no one likes to eat these.
Too many ideas and wants to accomplish, too many want-to-be's and hope-they-were's, too little time. I still want to write more, but now's not the time to compile and put it all down. I'll save it for the summer.
Perhaps I have been taking a too humanistic view lately, or maybe it's because I haven't found anything for the summer so I'm researching volunteer opportunities. I wanting to help people, but feeling like a jerk when I do help some people. Also wanting to stop talking about it and just do it. Take the critical thinking out of it. Do you plan times to wear your "do good" cap?
I need focus, but am I just choosing not to focus? Am I a wallower? I blame it on the weather, like Mersault. I should let go, yet I should not forget. What a paradox.
Too many ideas and wants to accomplish, too many want-to-be's and hope-they-were's, too little time. I still want to write more, but now's not the time to compile and put it all down. I'll save it for the summer.
Perhaps I have been taking a too humanistic view lately, or maybe it's because I haven't found anything for the summer so I'm researching volunteer opportunities. I wanting to help people, but feeling like a jerk when I do help some people. Also wanting to stop talking about it and just do it. Take the critical thinking out of it. Do you plan times to wear your "do good" cap?
I need focus, but am I just choosing not to focus? Am I a wallower? I blame it on the weather, like Mersault. I should let go, yet I should not forget. What a paradox.
Tuesday, April 28, 2009
anyone up for duck hunting?
Hi again. It has been a while, no?
I don't know where to begin on this one. Road map? ...
swine flu
desensitization
priorities
clarity
Swine Flu
So this whole Swine Flu phenomena has caught viral-sensationalist-saccharine news status. How do I know? I know when my own mother forwards me information on it. Mind you, my mother also sends me five year old PowerPoint slides of nature set to majestic music and cheesy old YouTube videos, so this isn't out of the blue--but really now? Sure there is heavy saturation of the media over this subject, but the quality really ranges from source to source and person to person (i.e. PresObama assuring everyone not to worry vs. World Health Organization official saying it can't be contained [BBC]).
Most of the symptoms seem like they could be the same as anything else out there. Symptoms like coughing, runny nose, sore throat, head and body aches, lack of appetite and lethargy just seem way too similar to when I have allergies. Plus I'm often lethargic. How can you tell the difference? I'm just waiting for someone to walk up to me and then tell me they have that or SARS. WebMD symptom that. >_< Desensitization
How do we regulate our thought processes? How do you tell yourself to do something and stay focused on it? Do we/can we? Or do you let your thought processes take you for a ride and drive while you take a backseat and just listen to yourself simmer and boil in self-pity, frustration, or apathy?
I've been the latter lately and want to get out. Perhaps I'm being way too introspective. It's just the way things are. I can't change that. Somehow, I'm reminded of Robert Frost's Mending Wall quote "Good fences make good neighbors."
Maybe I don't have sufficient fences, or maybe it's simply that I don't have good neighbors.
"Something there is that doesn't love a wall,
Something there is that does."
I'm next to the freaking Great Wall of China. Yeah, MC Hammer got nothing on me.
Priorities
I know I have messed up priorities when I choose to watch the NHL playoffs (was pretty much just the SJSharks) instead of talking to people or studying or whatever else is pressing. Not that those are mutually exclusive, but it's basically computer time vs. giving people my full attention. Not to say that it's better that they lost tonight to Anaheim, but I certainly can't blame that for messing with my priorities anymore. Hey, they finally got a sell out crowd one night out the the three. It was about time.
People will say they'll do better next year, and they may, but it's pretty much a guarantee players are leaving due to Unrestricted Free Agency, dark smoke filled room trades with hand wrangling, retirement for the oldies, and maybe salary cap issues. Then there's the passing around of the blame game (gasp, management?) or the "where they went wrong" postmortem analyses. A long summer to think of all the "could-have-beens" and suppress the smack talk until the new season, or a year for the "you're gonna choke because of the playoffs curse" bandwagoners. In general, it just seems brutal to shake up teams that take so long to build and puzzle piece together as the NHL seems to do more than any other sport. But that's how they roll and how it's going to be for those who didn't seize the opportunity.
And I'm joking on the duck hunting.
Clarity
I forgot what I was going to put here. Future plans? Needing to Windex glass?
So much for going to bed early.
I don't know where to begin on this one. Road map? ...
swine flu
desensitization
priorities
clarity
Swine Flu
So this whole Swine Flu phenomena has caught viral-sensationalist-saccharine news status. How do I know? I know when my own mother forwards me information on it. Mind you, my mother also sends me five year old PowerPoint slides of nature set to majestic music and cheesy old YouTube videos, so this isn't out of the blue--but really now? Sure there is heavy saturation of the media over this subject, but the quality really ranges from source to source and person to person (i.e. PresObama assuring everyone not to worry vs. World Health Organization official saying it can't be contained [BBC]).
Most of the symptoms seem like they could be the same as anything else out there. Symptoms like coughing, runny nose, sore throat, head and body aches, lack of appetite and lethargy just seem way too similar to when I have allergies. Plus I'm often lethargic. How can you tell the difference? I'm just waiting for someone to walk up to me and then tell me they have that or SARS. WebMD symptom that. >_< Desensitization
How do we regulate our thought processes? How do you tell yourself to do something and stay focused on it? Do we/can we? Or do you let your thought processes take you for a ride and drive while you take a backseat and just listen to yourself simmer and boil in self-pity, frustration, or apathy?
I've been the latter lately and want to get out. Perhaps I'm being way too introspective. It's just the way things are. I can't change that. Somehow, I'm reminded of Robert Frost's Mending Wall quote "Good fences make good neighbors."
Maybe I don't have sufficient fences, or maybe it's simply that I don't have good neighbors.
"Something there is that doesn't love a wall,
Something there is that does."
I'm next to the freaking Great Wall of China. Yeah, MC Hammer got nothing on me.
Priorities
I know I have messed up priorities when I choose to watch the NHL playoffs (was pretty much just the SJSharks) instead of talking to people or studying or whatever else is pressing. Not that those are mutually exclusive, but it's basically computer time vs. giving people my full attention. Not to say that it's better that they lost tonight to Anaheim, but I certainly can't blame that for messing with my priorities anymore. Hey, they finally got a sell out crowd one night out the the three. It was about time.
People will say they'll do better next year, and they may, but it's pretty much a guarantee players are leaving due to Unrestricted Free Agency, dark smoke filled room trades with hand wrangling, retirement for the oldies, and maybe salary cap issues. Then there's the passing around of the blame game (gasp, management?) or the "where they went wrong" postmortem analyses. A long summer to think of all the "could-have-beens" and suppress the smack talk until the new season, or a year for the "you're gonna choke because of the playoffs curse" bandwagoners. In general, it just seems brutal to shake up teams that take so long to build and puzzle piece together as the NHL seems to do more than any other sport. But that's how they roll and how it's going to be for those who didn't seize the opportunity.
And I'm joking on the duck hunting.
Clarity
I forgot what I was going to put here. Future plans? Needing to Windex glass?
So much for going to bed early.
Saturday, April 18, 2009
food
Ok, so to clarify, yesterday's post was a test to see if blogger actually took my text and posted it. I'm not into the whole text update thing, so I won't do that often.
So this title is called food. Why food, you may ask? Well, the previous week I basically tried to eat only one solid food and it went ok until day five when I got really weak and had an allergy attack or something that made me feel sick at night. It was a pretty good learning experience, though. Anyway, so I quit doing that on Sunday night. Maybe if I were a little more hard headed I could have forced my way and finished th week, but didn't. Meh, it's not a big loss. Ok, get this...
I've driven five different people (or groups of) to grocery stores on:
Sunday- Ralph's
Monday- Albertsons
Thursday- Albertsons
Friday- Vons
Saturday- Albertsons and Vons
Not to say I didn't buy anything, though. I bought stuff on three occasions. >_< I should remember Need vs. Want.
So this title is called food. Why food, you may ask? Well, the previous week I basically tried to eat only one solid food and it went ok until day five when I got really weak and had an allergy attack or something that made me feel sick at night. It was a pretty good learning experience, though. Anyway, so I quit doing that on Sunday night. Maybe if I were a little more hard headed I could have forced my way and finished th week, but didn't. Meh, it's not a big loss. Ok, get this...
I've driven five different people (or groups of) to grocery stores on:
Sunday- Ralph's
Monday- Albertsons
Thursday- Albertsons
Friday- Vons
Saturday- Albertsons and Vons
Not to say I didn't buy anything, though. I bought stuff on three occasions. >_< I should remember Need vs. Want.
Wednesday, April 8, 2009
passover
It's Passover!
Good time to re-read Exodus 12 and 13.
I was thinking that the sky smelled like five-spice and cinnamon mixture this morning near the back of the library/front of engineering north?, but then when I was walking past the front of the business building, a pungent, cow manure infused wind blew by. Thanks a lot, rain. Don't get me wrong, I like rain. Just not funky smells all over campus. Maybe I just didn't pay much attention to it before, when it did rain.
This is kind of dumb, but I was kind of zoning in and out in lab when I realized how cool our eyes are. So, you know how you stare at the board and then look down at your notes? We don't take very long at all to refocus on what we're looking at. Then think about all the technology that is necessary to focus in and out of things. Like cameras have "auto focus" now, but still you have to move it to zoom in and out and if you shake it just even a little, you don't get a clear picture. The classroom was kind of dark because the prof didn't turn the lights on and I was sitting in the back, but I could still see the board. A lot of cameras with auto flash would probably use the flash to capture the picture in that setting, but of course we aren't built with flashbulbs embedded in our eyes and we can still see clearly (albeit with glasses/contacts for some).
Good time to re-read Exodus 12 and 13.
I was thinking that the sky smelled like five-spice and cinnamon mixture this morning near the back of the library/front of engineering north?, but then when I was walking past the front of the business building, a pungent, cow manure infused wind blew by. Thanks a lot, rain. Don't get me wrong, I like rain. Just not funky smells all over campus. Maybe I just didn't pay much attention to it before, when it did rain.
This is kind of dumb, but I was kind of zoning in and out in lab when I realized how cool our eyes are. So, you know how you stare at the board and then look down at your notes? We don't take very long at all to refocus on what we're looking at. Then think about all the technology that is necessary to focus in and out of things. Like cameras have "auto focus" now, but still you have to move it to zoom in and out and if you shake it just even a little, you don't get a clear picture. The classroom was kind of dark because the prof didn't turn the lights on and I was sitting in the back, but I could still see the board. A lot of cameras with auto flash would probably use the flash to capture the picture in that setting, but of course we aren't built with flashbulbs embedded in our eyes and we can still see clearly (albeit with glasses/contacts for some).
ugh
If you don't want to hear complaining, I suggest you not read this, because I wouldn't read this either. Sometimes when you've heard enough complaining, it just pisses you off if you're not in the right mood to hear it. Then you just want to punch them in the face (or a slap to the back of the head, if you prefer) and then both of you are furious. So yeah, you've been cautioned.
I think it's because in my mind, people won't take me seriously if I complain as much. Much like the boy who cried wolf, except I'm not a boy the last time I checked, and well haven't been around wolves long enough to be scared of them. We seriously watched that video three times in elementary school. That one and the diamond ring in the donuts video. Think about it, if you complain a lot compared to someone who doesn't as much, it kind of lessens the magnitude to which people think your problem is, holding all else constant.
It's a freaking given that school's going to be difficult, and heck, I was the one that chose it, so suck it up. I could have chosen something easier, that I probably am better at, but didn't because I don't think that will help with my end goals. God's probably laughing at my plans, I'm sure. I've at least gotten to the point where I like (or at least can bear) what I'm doing. I'm terrified with the amount of basic mistakes I still make, but at least I'm not delusional in thinking I know it all when I don't. I just don't want to face all the people who tell me that taking longer than 4 years for an undergrad is heinous.
I'm tired. It's not even the end of the second week and I feel weak. The kind of weak that permeates in all aspects of what you do. Actually, scratch that, what kind of weak doesn't permeate all you do? Days and nights just blur together. The kind where you can't hold a long conversation without zoning out, and I extremely dislike (don't use the word hate) it when others do the same. You can literally read boredom off their face. It just shows the one who's speaking that you don't respect them and their ideas. And when they question you, you don't have a solid answer, so you have to try and BS your way through and then you're just a jerk, plain and simple and even you forget what you were BSing about. I'm pretty sure some of my profs in the past have seen me do the head-bob, the "omgosh I almost drooled with my head down", and the "I'll just close my eyes for a long second."
Then because you're tired, you're irritable. Go figure. Patience, Iago.
People are just trouble, myself included. Hey how about instead of talking smack about someone, you tell it to their face? How hard is that concept? No, I don't want you to tell me to "get it off your chest," keep it to yourself and pray about it. Stop stabbing around the outside and just straight jab the middle. It's like termite execution. You exterminate the house and not the whole block, no? Contain those suckers! Suffocation!
I've always thought that I want to be the type of friend that you'd call at 4am in the morning for help without even being worried that you'd bother me, but I've realized the disparity in thinking others would do the same. Sometimes I feel like an emotional punching bag. I don't mind because it's only temporary. And you only use it when necessary.
I suppose my true colors are rude, brash, bitter and scathingly sarcastic, aren't they?
Time has revealed quite easily again that misery is my good friend.
I will finish. I will not concede defeat.
To top it all off, yell your choice expletives for no apparent reason.
It's probably better that I'm all riled up right now, because that will make it harder to fall asleep.
I think it's because in my mind, people won't take me seriously if I complain as much. Much like the boy who cried wolf, except I'm not a boy the last time I checked, and well haven't been around wolves long enough to be scared of them. We seriously watched that video three times in elementary school. That one and the diamond ring in the donuts video. Think about it, if you complain a lot compared to someone who doesn't as much, it kind of lessens the magnitude to which people think your problem is, holding all else constant.
It's a freaking given that school's going to be difficult, and heck, I was the one that chose it, so suck it up. I could have chosen something easier, that I probably am better at, but didn't because I don't think that will help with my end goals. God's probably laughing at my plans, I'm sure. I've at least gotten to the point where I like (or at least can bear) what I'm doing. I'm terrified with the amount of basic mistakes I still make, but at least I'm not delusional in thinking I know it all when I don't. I just don't want to face all the people who tell me that taking longer than 4 years for an undergrad is heinous.
I'm tired. It's not even the end of the second week and I feel weak. The kind of weak that permeates in all aspects of what you do. Actually, scratch that, what kind of weak doesn't permeate all you do? Days and nights just blur together. The kind where you can't hold a long conversation without zoning out, and I extremely dislike (don't use the word hate) it when others do the same. You can literally read boredom off their face. It just shows the one who's speaking that you don't respect them and their ideas. And when they question you, you don't have a solid answer, so you have to try and BS your way through and then you're just a jerk, plain and simple and even you forget what you were BSing about. I'm pretty sure some of my profs in the past have seen me do the head-bob, the "omgosh I almost drooled with my head down", and the "I'll just close my eyes for a long second."
Then because you're tired, you're irritable. Go figure. Patience, Iago.
People are just trouble, myself included. Hey how about instead of talking smack about someone, you tell it to their face? How hard is that concept? No, I don't want you to tell me to "get it off your chest," keep it to yourself and pray about it. Stop stabbing around the outside and just straight jab the middle. It's like termite execution. You exterminate the house and not the whole block, no? Contain those suckers! Suffocation!
I've always thought that I want to be the type of friend that you'd call at 4am in the morning for help without even being worried that you'd bother me, but I've realized the disparity in thinking others would do the same. Sometimes I feel like an emotional punching bag. I don't mind because it's only temporary. And you only use it when necessary.
I suppose my true colors are rude, brash, bitter and scathingly sarcastic, aren't they?
Time has revealed quite easily again that misery is my good friend.
I will finish. I will not concede defeat.
To top it all off, yell your choice expletives for no apparent reason.
It's probably better that I'm all riled up right now, because that will make it harder to fall asleep.
Tuesday, March 31, 2009
way to set yourself back 30 years
http://www.angryasianman.com/2009/03/all-single-asians-really.html
It's not funny just because it's a "parody." I wish they had used their talents for a better use.
Just because you're from a certain ethnic background doesn't make it ok to embrace the stereotype and be racist.
It's not funny just because it's a "parody." I wish they had used their talents for a better use.
Just because you're from a certain ethnic background doesn't make it ok to embrace the stereotype and be racist.
Sunday, March 29, 2009
relapse
Every time I go back home for a break, I relapse. It's not a people thing, because I know I'm surrounded by supportive people, but something's just not the same as when I'm at school. It has gotten to the point where I think I might really need to get help to confront this.
I've been talking to several people lately, and there has been a similar trend of things they've been going through, so I guess I'll post my general feelings about them here.
1. People need to know they are awesome. We all struggle with self-confidence. Well, I don't really want to use the word self-confidence, but it's the term everyone uses. In my mind, it's not a real problem with self-confidence, because most people will admit they have some sort of worth after pondering the question for a while. I mean, most people will try to defend or give an opinion themselves, so *ding* there's a attribution of worth there. The problem lies in people desiring others to acknowledge your greatness. We expect others to affirm us and show/tell us that, but when they don't, well you obviously get upset or angry. This expectation also breeds dependency on others if you yourself don't know and believe in your worth. I could probably spend a whole post on dependency, but I'd rather not right now.
I think listening to happy songs will make you happy and vice-versa, sad songs will most likely make you melancholic or at least get you thinking. Not that I'm either of these right now, but I think I've found the worst song to play when you are depressed or have an eating disorder. It probably only applies to females, though, but I think it captures the human condition of wanting to strive and "improve" yourself.
"Just a Little Bit" by Maria Mena
Just a little bit stronger
Just a little bit wiser
Just a little less needy
And maybe I'd get there.
Just a little bit pretty
Just a little more aware
Just a little bit thinner
And maybe I'd get there...
and there's other verses, but I've cut them out. You get the idea.
YOU're beautiful the way you are.
2. Be gentle and honest. Say what? Yeah, gentleness, ya know, like in the fruits of the spirit and old virtues? I was once asked to define it in my own words and not quite remembering the definition, I defined it as being sensitive to what others need and choosing to respond accordingly. Since it's a choice, it's completely voluntary, so you can choose to act like you own the place or choose to be kind. In any case, it sucks to be on the receiving end of spite because then you want to reciprocate or you'll pass on the mean-spiritedness. Or if you're the one being mean, you feel guilt later. Why be nice, right? What do you get from that? Well, I'd like to think that you earn people's trust. I wouldn't hesitate to call (and haven't) friends if I needed to get something done. In the same way, I want to be that friend that people call at 4am in the morning for whatever reason.
3. You can't control everything. You just can't. Don't place the fault on yourself when there's things you can't control. You just end up feeling bad for yourself and beating yourself up for it. Then you end up not living in the present and you just let it pass you by.
I've been talking to several people lately, and there has been a similar trend of things they've been going through, so I guess I'll post my general feelings about them here.
1. People need to know they are awesome. We all struggle with self-confidence. Well, I don't really want to use the word self-confidence, but it's the term everyone uses. In my mind, it's not a real problem with self-confidence, because most people will admit they have some sort of worth after pondering the question for a while. I mean, most people will try to defend or give an opinion themselves, so *ding* there's a attribution of worth there. The problem lies in people desiring others to acknowledge your greatness. We expect others to affirm us and show/tell us that, but when they don't, well you obviously get upset or angry. This expectation also breeds dependency on others if you yourself don't know and believe in your worth. I could probably spend a whole post on dependency, but I'd rather not right now.
I think listening to happy songs will make you happy and vice-versa, sad songs will most likely make you melancholic or at least get you thinking. Not that I'm either of these right now, but I think I've found the worst song to play when you are depressed or have an eating disorder. It probably only applies to females, though, but I think it captures the human condition of wanting to strive and "improve" yourself.
"Just a Little Bit" by Maria Mena
Just a little bit stronger
Just a little bit wiser
Just a little less needy
And maybe I'd get there.
Just a little bit pretty
Just a little more aware
Just a little bit thinner
And maybe I'd get there...
and there's other verses, but I've cut them out. You get the idea.
YOU're beautiful the way you are.
2. Be gentle and honest. Say what? Yeah, gentleness, ya know, like in the fruits of the spirit and old virtues? I was once asked to define it in my own words and not quite remembering the definition, I defined it as being sensitive to what others need and choosing to respond accordingly. Since it's a choice, it's completely voluntary, so you can choose to act like you own the place or choose to be kind. In any case, it sucks to be on the receiving end of spite because then you want to reciprocate or you'll pass on the mean-spiritedness. Or if you're the one being mean, you feel guilt later. Why be nice, right? What do you get from that? Well, I'd like to think that you earn people's trust. I wouldn't hesitate to call (and haven't) friends if I needed to get something done. In the same way, I want to be that friend that people call at 4am in the morning for whatever reason.
3. You can't control everything. You just can't. Don't place the fault on yourself when there's things you can't control. You just end up feeling bad for yourself and beating yourself up for it. Then you end up not living in the present and you just let it pass you by.
Friday, March 20, 2009
i'm messed up
YES. Finals are over! And now I'm home! ♥
Things look... different. I don't know. It was spring cleaning for our street last week. She moved the parrot. You just don't do that. Don't move the parrot!
On the way home, there was a lot of traffic and I got into a few close calls. I try to remember to pray every time before I drive because I'm worried that I'll get hit or hit someone. It is a blessing and privilege, though to be able to drive and utilize it to help others. I thought I am pretty cautious, but I guess not. I can't even blame it on a lack of sleep, because I got a 9 hours for the first time in weeks. Coming back, this one lady yelled at me and gestured wildly. I feel terrible, although I don't think I was entirely at fault. In addition to that, for like 15 minutes on one stretch of road before King City, there were SO MANY of butterflies flying around and hitting my windshield. It was so sad to see and hearso many of them get splattered. I examined the damage afterward and they look like Monarch butterflies. Some are still smushed on my car's grill. I'm a killer.
Things look... different. I don't know. It was spring cleaning for our street last week. She moved the parrot. You just don't do that. Don't move the parrot!
On the way home, there was a lot of traffic and I got into a few close calls. I try to remember to pray every time before I drive because I'm worried that I'll get hit or hit someone. It is a blessing and privilege, though to be able to drive and utilize it to help others. I thought I am pretty cautious, but I guess not. I can't even blame it on a lack of sleep, because I got a 9 hours for the first time in weeks. Coming back, this one lady yelled at me and gestured wildly. I feel terrible, although I don't think I was entirely at fault. In addition to that, for like 15 minutes on one stretch of road before King City, there were SO MANY of butterflies flying around and hitting my windshield. It was so sad to see and hearso many of them get splattered. I examined the damage afterward and they look like Monarch butterflies. Some are still smushed on my car's grill. I'm a killer.
Monday, March 16, 2009
fml
Today, I want you to pity me and vent about how bad my day went. FML.
Yeah.
No, actually I had a decent day and can't complain. FML has been abuzz and amassing a larger audience for a while now, but the posted submissions have increasingly added more stuff with TMI. I'm going to stop reading because I don't want to know. Keep it to yourself. Why can't any of them be funny and readable? Sure, there's anonymity with the internet, but who knows who goes on those sites... little kids? It may be ironic in a way, but I think they should have a clean version of FML, as well as PostSecret. Just because you're anonymous doesn't mean you have to make it uncomfortable for the rest of us.
I guess that could also bring up the whole censorship/equality-for-all debate, but really now, do you want equal access for you kids and pervy old adults? Heck no you don't. Youtube has warnings for some stuff that may be questionable and other sites probably do similar things to ensure that some information is stifled if they think it may be harmful for people that age. You don't start drinking when you're 7, do you? Didn't think so.
'Brain decline' begins at age 27
Yeah.
No, actually I had a decent day and can't complain. FML has been abuzz and amassing a larger audience for a while now, but the posted submissions have increasingly added more stuff with TMI. I'm going to stop reading because I don't want to know. Keep it to yourself. Why can't any of them be funny and readable? Sure, there's anonymity with the internet, but who knows who goes on those sites... little kids? It may be ironic in a way, but I think they should have a clean version of FML, as well as PostSecret. Just because you're anonymous doesn't mean you have to make it uncomfortable for the rest of us.
I guess that could also bring up the whole censorship/equality-for-all debate, but really now, do you want equal access for you kids and pervy old adults? Heck no you don't. Youtube has warnings for some stuff that may be questionable and other sites probably do similar things to ensure that some information is stifled if they think it may be harmful for people that age. You don't start drinking when you're 7, do you? Didn't think so.
'Brain decline' begins at age 27
Mental powers start to dwindle at 27 after peaking at 22, marking the start of old age, US research suggests.Now, I'm officially old, thank you BBC and researchers.
Saturday, March 14, 2009
3.14159...
I hit the jackpot today! YAYAYA! :D
Well, it's not that great, but I got to 9999.9 miles on my odometer right when I parked my car to pick up my apartment-mate. And then it reset the trip count to 0 when I got to 10,000 miles. Today is totally a numbers person day. So as you can see I got a schweet picture.
The money shot.
Now for the other stuff:
-I totally called the facebook redesign. Well, at least the right hand side's column with "Connect with more friends" where they just pick out interesting tidbits of some people, probably from the number of "likes" they have. Now they just need to have a dislike/bury link, because not all things are like-able. Although from previous "upgrades" to facebook have resulted in much uproar (see RSS-feed type stalker news feed), they have now become an integral part of the facebook machine.
In many ways, I see social networking sites just becoming bigger by adding bits and pieces from other individual sites to make their site bigger. For example, by adding a "photos" section, you reduce the need to go link up, say flickr and increase the user's "dependency"-- for the lack of a better term-- on that site. For videos it would be a replacement for YouTube. "Notes" instead of blog sites. Even just status updates is a rip off of twitter. It's not that it can do any of these better; they are merely barebones of powerful, focused sites, but it's centralized location is convinient. It's basically organizing information on people for you instead of you going out and doing "research." Which it is why it's so potentially dangerous in the first place.
-Smelly people
I've been continuing to read Exodus, albeit I've slowed down a bit.
Ok, so what has this to do with people? It's just talking about an entire ram, which shows total dedication, right? But doodman, we're not rams.
It reminded me of Romans 12:1 "Therefore, I urge you, brothers, in view of God's mercy, to offer your bodies as living sacrifices, holy and pleasing to God—this is your spiritual act of worship." On this somewhat rare occasion, I actually used centerline references, which gave me 2 Corinthians 2:15 "For we are to God the aroma of Christ among those who are being saved and those who are perishing."
So it was a reminder of how to live so that we smell good so God is pleased and other people notice. Sure, we're gonna get scorched, if not burned. But in order to smell crazy awesome delicious meaty goodness, you have to be cooked. So yeah, stay in the kitchen and withstand the heat homies.
Well, it's not that great, but I got to 9999.9 miles on my odometer right when I parked my car to pick up my apartment-mate. And then it reset the trip count to 0 when I got to 10,000 miles. Today is totally a numbers person day. So as you can see I got a schweet picture.
The money shot.Now for the other stuff:
-I totally called the facebook redesign. Well, at least the right hand side's column with "Connect with more friends" where they just pick out interesting tidbits of some people, probably from the number of "likes" they have. Now they just need to have a dislike/bury link, because not all things are like-able. Although from previous "upgrades" to facebook have resulted in much uproar (see RSS-feed type stalker news feed), they have now become an integral part of the facebook machine.
In many ways, I see social networking sites just becoming bigger by adding bits and pieces from other individual sites to make their site bigger. For example, by adding a "photos" section, you reduce the need to go link up, say flickr and increase the user's "dependency"-- for the lack of a better term-- on that site. For videos it would be a replacement for YouTube. "Notes" instead of blog sites. Even just status updates is a rip off of twitter. It's not that it can do any of these better; they are merely barebones of powerful, focused sites, but it's centralized location is convinient. It's basically organizing information on people for you instead of you going out and doing "research." Which it is why it's so potentially dangerous in the first place.
-Smelly people
I've been continuing to read Exodus, albeit I've slowed down a bit.
Exodus 29:18 Then burn the entire ram on the altar. It is a burnt offering to the LORD, a pleasing aroma, an offering made to the LORD by fire.Good to know that God likes the smell of burning meat, as most of us carnivores enjoy. Mmmm... bbq. :9
Ok, so what has this to do with people? It's just talking about an entire ram, which shows total dedication, right? But doodman, we're not rams.
It reminded me of Romans 12:1 "Therefore, I urge you, brothers, in view of God's mercy, to offer your bodies as living sacrifices, holy and pleasing to God—this is your spiritual act of worship." On this somewhat rare occasion, I actually used centerline references, which gave me 2 Corinthians 2:15 "For we are to God the aroma of Christ among those who are being saved and those who are perishing."
So it was a reminder of how to live so that we smell good so God is pleased and other people notice. Sure, we're gonna get scorched, if not burned. But in order to smell crazy awesome delicious meaty goodness, you have to be cooked. So yeah, stay in the kitchen and withstand the heat homies.
Wednesday, March 11, 2009
dead week midterm
Ok, so on Tuesday I got my first engineering major class take home midterm. There are never take-home midterms for this major. I was elated, well almost. Mind you, this is the second midterm and it's dead week. I felt pretty ready going into the class that day and taking a midterm (as expected), but instead I got a fatty packet that I must return tomorrow. Even though we were given a take-home exam, we are only allowed to use a code book. With that said, I'm still working on the exam a whole hour and half later, and I'm just about to start the second of two problems. He said it'd take one hour (the time in one class period).
Are. you. serious.
I guess it's expected, though. :D
I'll write more later.
Are. you. serious.
I guess it's expected, though. :D
I'll write more later.
Monday, March 9, 2009
autobiographies
I'm all for reading biographies of great people; people who changed the world, made it a better place, or pushed the limits to try what we thought weren't possible before. People who were inventors, creators, great thinkers, athletes, humanitarians, and world changers among other things. People who have a great story of rising up against tribulation and succeeding; living up to their goals.
Usually people who write autobiographies are older, since it takes some time to get to that level to write about one's experiences. I say usually, because apparently Miley Cyrus has written an autobiography. Yeah, huh, say what? I only know this because there's a news headline that says she has a book out. Sure, she may have some experience in her show business repertoire, but really? Why write one now and have it published? There's so much more life to be lived and experienced and writing an autobiography so early just seems like you're capping it off early and going to bed. No one really then expects you to do all that much more. It's like you were at the pinnacle, the apex, at your prime and then you acheived a goal and that's the end of that.
Here's to hoping she's not just another young starlet waiting to burn out from societal pressures and ride on her past successes.
I guess she's at her pinnacle, then. Time listed her as one of the 100 most influential people of 2008 (just did my typical Google search) and she was listed as one of the 10 most interesting people of 2008 (Wikipedia). When people do rankings, though, they seem to overrate entertainers, though. If you take a look at Time's "Your Time 100" where people write in their votes to say who is most influential, many of them are common names because they're in films, TV, or print. Those names you don't know are most likely the leaders of countries we can't even locate on a map even if we had 2 minutes. That's so sad. I don't think it's just an "American thing" that we don't know who world leaders are, but other countries don't as well, but not to our level. If we're supposedly the wonderful, great country that we all bought in and believed, then shouldn't we know what else is out there and what "sets us apart" or makes us unique?
Usually people who write autobiographies are older, since it takes some time to get to that level to write about one's experiences. I say usually, because apparently Miley Cyrus has written an autobiography. Yeah, huh, say what? I only know this because there's a news headline that says she has a book out. Sure, she may have some experience in her show business repertoire, but really? Why write one now and have it published? There's so much more life to be lived and experienced and writing an autobiography so early just seems like you're capping it off early and going to bed. No one really then expects you to do all that much more. It's like you were at the pinnacle, the apex, at your prime and then you acheived a goal and that's the end of that.
Here's to hoping she's not just another young starlet waiting to burn out from societal pressures and ride on her past successes.
I guess she's at her pinnacle, then. Time listed her as one of the 100 most influential people of 2008 (just did my typical Google search) and she was listed as one of the 10 most interesting people of 2008 (Wikipedia). When people do rankings, though, they seem to overrate entertainers, though. If you take a look at Time's "Your Time 100" where people write in their votes to say who is most influential, many of them are common names because they're in films, TV, or print. Those names you don't know are most likely the leaders of countries we can't even locate on a map even if we had 2 minutes. That's so sad. I don't think it's just an "American thing" that we don't know who world leaders are, but other countries don't as well, but not to our level. If we're supposedly the wonderful, great country that we all bought in and believed, then shouldn't we know what else is out there and what "sets us apart" or makes us unique?
stand the strain
Today could have been spent better. Daylight savings stole an hour, but then again I messed up my sleep schedule.
Anyway, I read this today and thought it was a good reminder of how I should have done things in the past and what I can implement now. Maybe I just didn't expect to find it in Exodus.
So Jethro has observed Moses and how he judges, and gives advice. This seems like a big problem to me, because when you're giving advice it can go many different ways, like you won't know the other person's possible end goal or motives. I guess that's something I've been yearning for is people that will give me honest advice that has some sort of backing and not just manipulative advice to get me to do something. But Moses is open-minded to Jethro's advice and possible wisdom from more experience, so he listens. Not only is Moses wearing himself out, he's not teaching others to learn how to judge through God's decrees and laws as well, which just makes this judging process so difficult and more drawn out than it needs to be.
Next, verse 20 talks about teaching them what they need and should do. This implies there is a wrong way to live, which might be quite obvious to some, but at the heart of it is that they are going to be judging on the behalf of God (v. 15 seeking God's will), which is why Moses was the lone person judging in the first place. Since they are to be seeking God's will, they need to live a life that reflects and yearns to know God's will. Thus, the basic guidelines for being a judge are that they have to be capable, God-fearing, trustworthy men who hate dishonest gain. I'm thinking about the "FAT" requirement when people try to see if others are qualified for service; Faithful (God-fearing, trustworthy), Available, Teachable (capable). The dishonest gain part really bothers me, because it's so hard to examine people's motives for doing things. Sure, you'll see some fragments of external things, but the root problem could be humongous and they haven't/won't do anything to remedy it. All you can do is assume they have the right motives and that you have the right motives as well. You're not just going to pick a random dude in the desert's camp and expect that he'll do the job correctly; it's a conscious, purpose-driven pick. These chosen men will share the burden and now Moses will be able to stand the strain and all will be content.
There are countless times where I never delegated stuff to people because I thought that: 1. I knew better, 2. could do it faster, and the biggie 3. didn't want to bother people. Ladies and gentlemen, that's basically the definition of pride. I was too proud to try and ask others to help and I didn't listen to the "Jethros" in my life who told me to delegate so I burnt myself out. No one wants to be told what they're doing is not good, but we should not have so much pride to think that we are beyond the counsel of others; at least listen to what they have to say and then examine the content of the advice without taking it personally.
Aite, that's all from me for now.
Anyway, I read this today and thought it was a good reminder of how I should have done things in the past and what I can implement now. Maybe I just didn't expect to find it in Exodus.
18:15 Moses answered him, "Because the people come to me to seek God's will. 16 Whenever they have a dispute, it is brought to me, and I decide between the parties and inform them of God's decrees and laws."In context it's talking about how Moses is trying to be the sole judge for the Israelites because he's trying to do it all by himself. Not only is Moses wearing himself out, he's not teaching others to learn how to judge through God's decrees and laws as well, which just makes this judging process so difficult and more drawn out than it needs to be. Shoot, that's like, hella people you gotta listen to. Of course you're going to burn out! Moses is doing this out of a great care for his people, but it's going to take a huge toll on him. Jethro, who is Moses' father-in-law is giving Moses advice. This is kind of crazy even though Jethro is older and you listen should elders, but Jethro's a gentile and it's kind of assumed that he doesn't believe in God, but then earlier in the chapter, he recognizes and gives glory to God after hearing how Moses has been saved from the Pharaoh.
17 Moses' father-in-law replied, "What you are doing is not good. 18 You and these people who come to you will only wear yourselves out. The work is too heavy for you; you cannot handle it alone. 19 Listen now to me and I will give you some advice, and may God be with you. You must be the people's representative before God and bring their disputes to him. 20 Teach them the decrees and laws, and show them the way to live and the duties they are to perform. 21 But select capable men from all the people—men who fear God, trustworthy men who hate dishonest gain—and appoint them as officials over thousands, hundreds, fifties and tens. 22 Have them serve as judges for the people at all times, but have them bring every difficult case to you; the simple cases they can decide themselves. That will make your load lighter, because they will share it with you. 23 If you do this and God so commands, you will be able to stand the strain, and all these people will go home satisfied."
24 Moses listened to his father-in-law and did everything he said. 25 He chose capable men from all Israel and made them leaders of the people, officials over thousands, hundreds, fifties and tens. 26 They served as judges for the people at all times. The difficult cases they brought to Moses, but the simple ones they decided themselves.
So Jethro has observed Moses and how he judges, and gives advice. This seems like a big problem to me, because when you're giving advice it can go many different ways, like you won't know the other person's possible end goal or motives. I guess that's something I've been yearning for is people that will give me honest advice that has some sort of backing and not just manipulative advice to get me to do something. But Moses is open-minded to Jethro's advice and possible wisdom from more experience, so he listens. Not only is Moses wearing himself out, he's not teaching others to learn how to judge through God's decrees and laws as well, which just makes this judging process so difficult and more drawn out than it needs to be.
Next, verse 20 talks about teaching them what they need and should do. This implies there is a wrong way to live, which might be quite obvious to some, but at the heart of it is that they are going to be judging on the behalf of God (v. 15 seeking God's will), which is why Moses was the lone person judging in the first place. Since they are to be seeking God's will, they need to live a life that reflects and yearns to know God's will. Thus, the basic guidelines for being a judge are that they have to be capable, God-fearing, trustworthy men who hate dishonest gain. I'm thinking about the "FAT" requirement when people try to see if others are qualified for service; Faithful (God-fearing, trustworthy), Available, Teachable (capable). The dishonest gain part really bothers me, because it's so hard to examine people's motives for doing things. Sure, you'll see some fragments of external things, but the root problem could be humongous and they haven't/won't do anything to remedy it. All you can do is assume they have the right motives and that you have the right motives as well. You're not just going to pick a random dude in the desert's camp and expect that he'll do the job correctly; it's a conscious, purpose-driven pick. These chosen men will share the burden and now Moses will be able to stand the strain and all will be content.
There are countless times where I never delegated stuff to people because I thought that: 1. I knew better, 2. could do it faster, and the biggie 3. didn't want to bother people. Ladies and gentlemen, that's basically the definition of pride. I was too proud to try and ask others to help and I didn't listen to the "Jethros" in my life who told me to delegate so I burnt myself out. No one wants to be told what they're doing is not good, but we should not have so much pride to think that we are beyond the counsel of others; at least listen to what they have to say and then examine the content of the advice without taking it personally.
Aite, that's all from me for now.
Friday, March 6, 2009
funny
Really quick, just for practice.
En español. Por los que no pueden leer español, usamos un dictionario.
Dios es muy cómico. Él sabe lo que REALMENTE necesito, no lo que CREO que necesito. Porque yo no puedo conocer todos de los problemas y pecados in mi vida.
Este una noche bella. Vi muchas de las estrellas.
Adios, mis amigos.
En español. Por los que no pueden leer español, usamos un dictionario.
Dios es muy cómico. Él sabe lo que REALMENTE necesito, no lo que CREO que necesito. Porque yo no puedo conocer todos de los problemas y pecados in mi vida.
Este una noche bella. Vi muchas de las estrellas.
Adios, mis amigos.
Tuesday, March 3, 2009
laboring in vain
Are you one of those people that listens to a song and then gets obsessed with it and then has it on heavy rotation like a bazillion times before you move on to a new song and then repeat the cycle?
Yeah, this is my current song. When I had my old hard drive with iTunes (yes, I still haven't reinstalled it) , I'd get all up on my communistic hammer and sickle and have to get all the songs on the same CD played once, in random order, and then each time after that, even if I didn't like that particular song. Like, I'd start the song, and then click on it to fast forward to the end, just so the play count was equalized. It became quite obvious that I should have closed the play count column, but everyone knows that even if it's closed, little Apple oompa loompas are still there counting the number of times the song is playing and that bothered me. I eventually got over it, but it's better when the numbers line up all pretty.
Back to the song, there's a line that goes:
"And all you who labor in vain and to the broken and shamed..."I identify with this laboring in vain right now. You work hard and want to see results, but they just don't come. Nothing seems to be going right. You feel like giving up. It's so hard to persevere when things don't seem to fall in your favor. You just keep the mentality to "Just keep swimming" and things will scrape by. I don't want to just scrape by, I want to pwn it like friggen multikill headshots and the whole nine yards. YEAH! Ok, I'm done geeking out.
What I guess I really need is to see this in a different perspective.
Monday, March 2, 2009
education
Today, I'm thankful for the education that I had when I was a kid... well I'm grateful for it now, but more specifically for elementary school. Yay for good public elementary schools with decent (if not good) teachers.
I guess I'm thinking about it now after reading these two articles:
(homeless students)
(no free lunches)
The first article about homeless students is obviously saddening to hear, but I can't help but think how hard some people have had to work to just get by, even without being in a recession. Of course kids that are exposed to homelessness are going to hinder their learning processes. You don't need research to show
Thinking about it, I was probably one of those pompous kids in high school who thought that any route other than a four-year university (preferably UCs or privates) was unacceptable. (Hah.) Maybe it was my own standards that I imposed on others to adapt, but I probably just didn't think about it too much. College educated individuals claim that college gives one a more "complete" thought process in terms of analyzing and seeing things differently. I wouldn't say that I disagree, but in terms of being "real," one cannot possibly merely stick theories to try to change a society that they do not even fully comprehend because they haven't experienced life that way. Plug and chug equations don't apply here, mathematicians. Everyone can say, yeah, homelessness sucks and toss some chump change and pat themselves on the back for doing "something good," but what else can we do? We seem to give them a different playing field. Lip service tells them "we respect you" but deep down, do you? How do you differentiate respect from pity which is what often is the response?
I want to also blame the breakdown of the family structure for propelling a lifestyle of self-service rather than sticking with and showing children a loving family. Why is having so many children with a single parent with multiple past partners so commonplace? How can one feel normalcy if everything and everyone in their life is changing?
Well the second article kind of hits closer home, since I used to receive free lunches for a while in elementary school because I guess my parents qualified and took advantage of the program. I still remember greasy square pizzas with skin-tight tacky plastic packaging over it and those burritos that I never finished because I didn't know what the grey mush was inside, so I'd only carefully peel off the white outer layers and eat that. Good thing I know better now. Anyway, I wouldn't have complained if I had to eat cheese pizzas/burrito encasings/sandwiches everyday if my parents didn't pay, because hey, it's better than nothing. Shoot, that's almost the story of my life: pb sandwiches for breakfast and meat sandwiches at school for lunch, and if I had to do that for the rest of my life, then so be it. If I'm not paying for it, then I'll shut up. Simple as that.
I understand that choices are always nice, but people need to differentiate need versus want. You need to eat. You want a certain food. What's with this sense of entitlement that we seem to have? Is this the thing that is driving people to spend what they don't have? You don't need a new shirt, you can wear the one you have. I've worn some stuff since middle school and I still kind of fit into most of the stuff. Does it make me seem frugal and come off as poor or "lower class"? Sure, it may. Does it bother me? Occasionally. But I choose to think that the people that I do want to interact with (and I, with them) will not mind if I don't have the latest and greatest but will take me at the worth of my ideas, actions, and character. So build up something that will last and that you can be proud of, but not too proud.
I guess I'm thinking about it now after reading these two articles:
(homeless students)
(no free lunches)
The first article about homeless students is obviously saddening to hear, but I can't help but think how hard some people have had to work to just get by, even without being in a recession. Of course kids that are exposed to homelessness are going to hinder their learning processes. You don't need research to show
"... that the turmoil of homelessness often hinders children’s ability to socialize and learn. Many are plagued by hunger, exhaustion, abuse and insecurity. They have a hard time performing at grade level and are about 50 percent less likely to graduate from high school than their peers."Well, duh. You're always bombarded with thoughts like "am I going to get caught from living here in a place I shouldn't be?" or "am I going to eat today?" Your parents can't shield you that much from reality.
Thinking about it, I was probably one of those pompous kids in high school who thought that any route other than a four-year university (preferably UCs or privates) was unacceptable. (Hah.) Maybe it was my own standards that I imposed on others to adapt, but I probably just didn't think about it too much. College educated individuals claim that college gives one a more "complete" thought process in terms of analyzing and seeing things differently. I wouldn't say that I disagree, but in terms of being "real," one cannot possibly merely stick theories to try to change a society that they do not even fully comprehend because they haven't experienced life that way. Plug and chug equations don't apply here, mathematicians. Everyone can say, yeah, homelessness sucks and toss some chump change and pat themselves on the back for doing "something good," but what else can we do? We seem to give them a different playing field. Lip service tells them "we respect you" but deep down, do you? How do you differentiate respect from pity which is what often is the response?
I want to also blame the breakdown of the family structure for propelling a lifestyle of self-service rather than sticking with and showing children a loving family. Why is having so many children with a single parent with multiple past partners so commonplace? How can one feel normalcy if everything and everyone in their life is changing?
Well the second article kind of hits closer home, since I used to receive free lunches for a while in elementary school because I guess my parents qualified and took advantage of the program. I still remember greasy square pizzas with skin-tight tacky plastic packaging over it and those burritos that I never finished because I didn't know what the grey mush was inside, so I'd only carefully peel off the white outer layers and eat that. Good thing I know better now. Anyway, I wouldn't have complained if I had to eat cheese pizzas/burrito encasings/sandwiches everyday if my parents didn't pay, because hey, it's better than nothing. Shoot, that's almost the story of my life: pb sandwiches for breakfast and meat sandwiches at school for lunch, and if I had to do that for the rest of my life, then so be it. If I'm not paying for it, then I'll shut up. Simple as that.
I understand that choices are always nice, but people need to differentiate need versus want. You need to eat. You want a certain food. What's with this sense of entitlement that we seem to have? Is this the thing that is driving people to spend what they don't have? You don't need a new shirt, you can wear the one you have. I've worn some stuff since middle school and I still kind of fit into most of the stuff. Does it make me seem frugal and come off as poor or "lower class"? Sure, it may. Does it bother me? Occasionally. But I choose to think that the people that I do want to interact with (and I, with them) will not mind if I don't have the latest and greatest but will take me at the worth of my ideas, actions, and character. So build up something that will last and that you can be proud of, but not too proud.
Sunday, March 1, 2009
making goals and getting there
I think I got scammed again. Way to go me. I should just stop trusting people. It's just too hard. Just kidding. Why would I have one of these if I completely stopped trusting people?
snippets from October 2005:
My goals at (insert college name):
1. -know my way around the area. I have pretty good direction, so this shouldn't be too hard.
2. -play someone's violin. I miss mine, just a little, even though I haven't played in a while; I guess I just want to hear one that's not a recording, so maybe listening to a performance might qualify, too.
3. -get my lazy butt out of bed and run.
4. -keep up my academic studies, of course.
5. -take pictures more often. I have to go buy advantix film.
6. -draw more often--> get better--> better grade in drawing ;)
7. -make more friends. This will eventually happen, so I'm not too worried.
8. -go to the free (fall) craft fridays at least once.
Items that can be checked off: 1, 2 (eventually brought here), 7... maybe. :P
Items that can be squiggly lined: 3 (only occasionally), 6 (only had classes that year)
Unfulfilled items: 4, 5, 8 (they're not just in the fall.)
I guess I still have time to accomplish most of them, but I guess some of them don't matter as much to me anymore. It seems normal, though, as things that you once thought were important lose their importance to other things that may come up unexpectedly. It may seem strange to say, but for the first time in years, I don't feel like there is as much uncertainty as before. At least not like a 9.0 earthquake sized level of uncertainty. Sure, we're in the midst of economic turmoil and the world's going crazy. What's new? For sure, it's unusual to say the least; but I find myself not worrying as much, or at least that brain capacity is now taken up in other seemingly trivial matters. Maybe I'm oversimplifying too many things?
I'm not too much of a goal-maker anymore. Well, the things that were "goals" are now things that would be nice to accomplish, but not a big deal if I don't. There's always going to be things to see or do.
What are goals you have or want to accomplish and why?
snippets from October 2005:
My goals at (insert college name):
1. -know my way around the area. I have pretty good direction, so this shouldn't be too hard.
2. -play someone's violin. I miss mine, just a little, even though I haven't played in a while; I guess I just want to hear one that's not a recording, so maybe listening to a performance might qualify, too.
3. -get my lazy butt out of bed and run.
4. -keep up my academic studies, of course.
5. -take pictures more often. I have to go buy advantix film.
6. -draw more often--> get better--> better grade in drawing ;)
7. -make more friends. This will eventually happen, so I'm not too worried.
8. -go to the free (fall) craft fridays at least once.
Items that can be checked off: 1, 2 (eventually brought here), 7... maybe. :P
Items that can be squiggly lined: 3 (only occasionally), 6 (only had classes that year)
Unfulfilled items: 4, 5, 8 (they're not just in the fall.)
I guess I still have time to accomplish most of them, but I guess some of them don't matter as much to me anymore. It seems normal, though, as things that you once thought were important lose their importance to other things that may come up unexpectedly. It may seem strange to say, but for the first time in years, I don't feel like there is as much uncertainty as before. At least not like a 9.0 earthquake sized level of uncertainty. Sure, we're in the midst of economic turmoil and the world's going crazy. What's new? For sure, it's unusual to say the least; but I find myself not worrying as much, or at least that brain capacity is now taken up in other seemingly trivial matters. Maybe I'm oversimplifying too many things?
I'm not too much of a goal-maker anymore. Well, the things that were "goals" are now things that would be nice to accomplish, but not a big deal if I don't. There's always going to be things to see or do.
What are goals you have or want to accomplish and why?
Thursday, February 26, 2009
surprises
Today was a long day. I got up at 6:45 from my usual alarm at 6:30, rolled out of bed, must have had this miserable look on my face, (like, darn it it's another early morning) started brushing my teeth and then I realized that I woke up an hour earlier than I needed to. So I did what most people do and went back to my bed which was still warm. That hour seriously did wonders.
It really is crunch time this week; a professor I have pretty much threw down the hammer and was like, "you'd better get this" to all of us while trying to keep us motivated by saying "don't give up." Yeah, it's so frustrating when you aim to do well yet you just fall so short (and continue to do so) of expectations you put on yourself and the expectations others put on you.
Well the good "surprises" that I am thankful for today were:
1. my only meet up this week was one that wasn't a usual planned one (had 3 supposed to happen slip).
2. classmates' generosity. (this is a big one)
I'll skip to the second one. For the most part, I don't really ask other classmates for help, but I'll help others if they ask. So it was strange when one classmate, let's call them "Q" asks for a copy of something and then I ask them to help me with that same homework assignment that I didn't finish. Granted, you don't know "Q," but I've been annoyed by them pretty much all quarter because they can't seem to keep their mouth shut in class and just seems to pump out the wrong answers/things at an inconvenient time. Plus they are hardcore atheist and do a lot of things to promote it and actively put down naysayers.
They tell me that they'll know I'll be offended by the filename and that it was a joke to their other friend and send me a file named "Goddoesntexist" and says the problem is there.
The thoughts that ran through my head were: 1. who titles homework problems like that? 2. wow, you actually said you knew I'd be offended, and 3. shoot, this seriously makes solving the problem so much easier for me. Is it kind of ironic?
Yeah, I would have never had thought that they would help me. But that's not all. Other people helped me with a similar problem today and I really appreciate the collaborative effort that my classmates in my major have in trying to get these problems done. I've never felt like it has been a competition to one-up another person, but it has been more of a group effort to overcome the subject matter as a whole. If we did have a competition-type atmosphere, I don't think I'd be able to hold my own or even learn as much as I have now. It would have been more like high school where I had that mentality, and I would have broken down a long time ago trying to keep that mindset up.
Then again, it also makes me see that anyone can "be nice". Regardless of your background or what you believe, you can choose to be nice, but there can be so many underlying motivations for acting a certain way. I can't see/know what their motivations are, but I know that I need to not just do something out of obligation or to "save face."
It really is crunch time this week; a professor I have pretty much threw down the hammer and was like, "you'd better get this" to all of us while trying to keep us motivated by saying "don't give up." Yeah, it's so frustrating when you aim to do well yet you just fall so short (and continue to do so) of expectations you put on yourself and the expectations others put on you.
Well the good "surprises" that I am thankful for today were:
1. my only meet up this week was one that wasn't a usual planned one (had 3 supposed to happen slip).
2. classmates' generosity. (this is a big one)
I'll skip to the second one. For the most part, I don't really ask other classmates for help, but I'll help others if they ask. So it was strange when one classmate, let's call them "Q" asks for a copy of something and then I ask them to help me with that same homework assignment that I didn't finish. Granted, you don't know "Q," but I've been annoyed by them pretty much all quarter because they can't seem to keep their mouth shut in class and just seems to pump out the wrong answers/things at an inconvenient time. Plus they are hardcore atheist and do a lot of things to promote it and actively put down naysayers.
They tell me that they'll know I'll be offended by the filename and that it was a joke to their other friend and send me a file named "Goddoesntexist" and says the problem is there.
The thoughts that ran through my head were: 1. who titles homework problems like that? 2. wow, you actually said you knew I'd be offended, and 3. shoot, this seriously makes solving the problem so much easier for me. Is it kind of ironic?
Yeah, I would have never had thought that they would help me. But that's not all. Other people helped me with a similar problem today and I really appreciate the collaborative effort that my classmates in my major have in trying to get these problems done. I've never felt like it has been a competition to one-up another person, but it has been more of a group effort to overcome the subject matter as a whole. If we did have a competition-type atmosphere, I don't think I'd be able to hold my own or even learn as much as I have now. It would have been more like high school where I had that mentality, and I would have broken down a long time ago trying to keep that mindset up.
Then again, it also makes me see that anyone can "be nice". Regardless of your background or what you believe, you can choose to be nice, but there can be so many underlying motivations for acting a certain way. I can't see/know what their motivations are, but I know that I need to not just do something out of obligation or to "save face."
Tuesday, February 24, 2009
this is what the 8th week feels like for some of us
Before. 
(The rubble surrounding it isn't ours.)
After adding over 100,000 pounds.
It's crunch time. Who wants to FAIL?
Time to (add oil) 加油.
(The rubble surrounding it isn't ours.)After adding over 100,000 pounds.
It's crunch time. Who wants to FAIL?
Time to (add oil) 加油.
Monday, February 23, 2009
sitting in service
This is what seriously popped into my head during service yesterday. Don't know why, though. The message had nothing to do with this. No... I didn't sketch during service. It probably just started with me remembering a car analogy. In my mind it would have been a much cleaner set of drawings with watercolors. Meh.
As you can see, I progressively got more irritated and started scribbling faster towards the end. They are meant to be the same characters that are presented in the previous frame. Oh yeah, please note that what you see is NOT a mullet on the male character.
What are you going to choose? Fill your life up!
Some people like this cool dude who gives great advice.
Are you gonna add him as your myspace friend?!? How about top 8?
You're bound to make mistakes once in a while.
You're going to have regret, feel sorrow, and be angry among other things.
We all go through it; it's a part of the process.
Some people live for the the moolah.
Some people have a fatty stockpile going.
Somewhere down the line you'll have to choose what you want to keep and what you want to toss.
You'll see that it's not even fresh anymore. Yuck, and you're not even out of the store yet.
Possibly the end.
Ok, now back to your regularly scheduled programming.
As you can see, I progressively got more irritated and started scribbling faster towards the end. They are meant to be the same characters that are presented in the previous frame. Oh yeah, please note that what you see is NOT a mullet on the male character.
Welcome to Life,
where there's a marketplace of ideas and things to do or see.
where there's a marketplace of ideas and things to do or see.
What are you going to choose? Fill your life up!
Some people like this cool dude who gives great advice. Are you gonna add him as your myspace friend?!? How about top 8?
You're bound to make mistakes once in a while.
You're going to have regret, feel sorrow, and be angry among other things.
We all go through it; it's a part of the process.
Some people live for the the moolah.
Some people have a fatty stockpile going.
Somewhere down the line you'll have to choose what you want to keep and what you want to toss.
You'll see that it's not even fresh anymore. Yuck, and you're not even out of the store yet.
Possibly the end.Sunday, February 22, 2009
the facebook 16-25
Unless you don't have a facebook or have been hiding under a rock, ya'll should know what I'm talkin bout.
All those notes that people stake to your name asking you to tell them no less than 16 and up to 25 random things about yourself. If you haven't caved in yet, you're probably wondering when it will just collapse on itself and die already, or how you can un-tag yourself from friends who peer-pressure each other into making one.
Some may say "Oh, it's just another time for you to talk about yourself" and turn it into a pride thing. But isn't everything we do on social networking sites some sort of pride then? Aren't we just always talking about who we are, what we like to do, and what has happened in our lives? We prettify our pages so it seems like people will be drawn in and interested to what we want to say. We place well-thought out and witty comments on friends pages, hoping to make others curious. The Internet and social networking has transformed once private data into a whole new global realm for all to see.
These notes are just one facet of the vastness of each individual's net presence. And quite frankly, I do enjoy reading other people's notes. They're little tidbits of their lives and experiences. It's just like trying to see how others think; you can see their values, goals, likes and dislikes. It makes us easily connect and recognize commonalities that we may have with one another. Sometimes you're just dying for an audience, someone to listen or respond to understand and this is an instant audience. And when else are you ever going to tell people you know (and some you don't) so many random things about you that they might have not have known before? Like... NEVER. You'll never have this opportunity to tell random things about yourself to your peers or feel peer pressured to do so again. You wouldn't tell serious people this at work and have them not look at you the same after you share information like this. You'd be beyond the "socially proper" age to do that.
I think the big thing I take away from this is not to necessarily make my own post, but to see people as they are or want to be seen as compared to how they present themselves. Some people can have a huge net presence, but be quiet most of the time and vice-versa. Studying people is fun.
In other news, this is my first titled post not starting with the letter "b" since I've started this blog. Hurrah!
All those notes that people stake to your name asking you to tell them no less than 16 and up to 25 random things about yourself. If you haven't caved in yet, you're probably wondering when it will just collapse on itself and die already, or how you can un-tag yourself from friends who peer-pressure each other into making one.
Some may say "Oh, it's just another time for you to talk about yourself" and turn it into a pride thing. But isn't everything we do on social networking sites some sort of pride then? Aren't we just always talking about who we are, what we like to do, and what has happened in our lives? We prettify our pages so it seems like people will be drawn in and interested to what we want to say. We place well-thought out and witty comments on friends pages, hoping to make others curious. The Internet and social networking has transformed once private data into a whole new global realm for all to see.
These notes are just one facet of the vastness of each individual's net presence. And quite frankly, I do enjoy reading other people's notes. They're little tidbits of their lives and experiences. It's just like trying to see how others think; you can see their values, goals, likes and dislikes. It makes us easily connect and recognize commonalities that we may have with one another. Sometimes you're just dying for an audience, someone to listen or respond to understand and this is an instant audience. And when else are you ever going to tell people you know (and some you don't) so many random things about you that they might have not have known before? Like... NEVER. You'll never have this opportunity to tell random things about yourself to your peers or feel peer pressured to do so again. You wouldn't tell serious people this at work and have them not look at you the same after you share information like this. You'd be beyond the "socially proper" age to do that.
I think the big thing I take away from this is not to necessarily make my own post, but to see people as they are or want to be seen as compared to how they present themselves. Some people can have a huge net presence, but be quiet most of the time and vice-versa. Studying people is fun.
In other news, this is my first titled post not starting with the letter "b" since I've started this blog. Hurrah!
boldness
Today there was a series of lectures on bridge design. I only ended up going to one of the three lectures, but it was superb. The lecturer discussed the Brooklyn Bridge: how it was built, the history behind it, and how it was far more advanced than any other bridge was before its time.
As I was leaving the lecture, I recalled my summer trip to Europe in which my sister and I took a walking tour of four bridges in London; the Tower Bridge, London Bridge, Southwalk Bridge, and the Millennium Footbridge near the Tate Modern Museum. I remembered that the guide was a retired forensics guy who just knew so much about the history of the city and its monuments that he could just walk around telling tourists interesting tidbits of how things happened and who did what. He didn't even carry written notes, just a binder full of historical pictures of what the city would have looked like before the bridges or during the time of older, demolished bridges in the same location.
This lecturer basically did what the tour guide did, but with an eye from engineering and equipped with a much wider range of knowledge on this one structure.
Reflecting on this, I could probably do that. Well, I wouldn't be a great tour guide at first, and I don't have all the engineering knowledge yet, but I do enjoy travel, learning from history, and researching how things were made, so maybe if I could learn this for personal enjoyment.
Before the dinner with various structural companies, they had a sort of job fair. I say sort of, because not many companies seemed like they were looking for people to work there (at least intern-wise). At least it was nice to see a good sized number of companies that at least seemed interested in potential students working as engineers there. I think a big thing that I got out of this was that I need to be more bold.
Boldness? Yeah, some who don't know me would say I'm the antithesis of bold. Quiet, reserved, and the most common one: shy. I loathe the word shy, because that's the filler word for people who think they're being nice to you but just don't think you're verbally engaging them enough. Quiet's used when you can't think of the right questions to push their buttons. Reserved is used when you don't know how to respond properly and don't want to state something that could be tactless. Regardless, people who you may box into as these are as intriguing or even more so than those who make their presence known. It just takes a little longer.
Anyway, I digress. I need to be more bold and unwavering in what I'm trying to say, because I do have notable questions to ask, but I'm too caught up in phrasing it well or I'm talking too fast that I have to repeat myself. Repetition is not bad, but it just comes off as nervousness and ultimately a bad first impression.
Other things I learned/re-heard as with most fairs:
-I should re-learn and be comfortable with Revit, as many companies are going towards Revit as opposed to focusing on Autocad. It's understandable, as Revit's a really neat program that takes a lot of the difficult detailed work and makes it easier by allowing you to choose section and elevation cuts on a building instead of just drafting it all individually. It definitely makes doing revisions easier since it's all on one file and not on different files/sheets.
-It's all about communication. Engineers are renowned for not knowing how to communicate with clients, architects, and heck, even other engineers. Don't be afraid to ask questions, since people are most likely willing to answer and it's better to ask a question if you don't know how to do something rather than blindly doing something wrong and then wasting time going back to fix what could have already been completed by now.
-There are firms that only do retrofitting and they're going to be fine in the economy since they do failure testing (seeing why things went wrong). One company had a team which scales buildings to see if anything has gone/can go wrong. That seems really cool and it's not just being holed up in an office all day; they are on-site much of the time.
-LEED/green building are big buzz words, and they're upgrading to LEED 2.2, but it's so new there's not really accountability for the buildings that are already LEED Certified. There needs to be accountability!
-Don't take more than a crate of books with you when you're taking the PE. More than a crate, and you're never going to have time to go through all of them, and plus all those books will go over the same material. You're just asking to fail. Buy the EIT/FE prep book; it'll save you on the EIT/FE book if you haven't taken thermo/fluids yet. Take classes before you take the PE, especially if you only focus on structures, because you know close to nothing about transportation and water management.
-Form vs. function; it used to be all function based, and now it's turning a lot towards the aesthetics. Doesn't it make our job so much more difficult in that we have to find more solutions to old as well new problems that arise from newer forms?
As I almost got home, I was ready to make the final right turn and was stopped at a red light. There were pedestrians out, so I didn't want to chance it. Plus it's Mardi Gras weekend, so ya'll know what that means. A cop car was just about to turn left, so I was just chillin' tapping my fingers to the beat of the music playing. As he turned, he just did a U-turn and parked right behind me with the flashing lights on. OH SNAP. What'd I do, and I'm like gonna sweat some bullets right then, but then I realized he was just pulling over to talk to a drunk dude mouthing off, so it was all good. Paranoia gets the best of me, but I really needn't fear.
Choose to do the right things for the right reasons.
As I was leaving the lecture, I recalled my summer trip to Europe in which my sister and I took a walking tour of four bridges in London; the Tower Bridge, London Bridge, Southwalk Bridge, and the Millennium Footbridge near the Tate Modern Museum. I remembered that the guide was a retired forensics guy who just knew so much about the history of the city and its monuments that he could just walk around telling tourists interesting tidbits of how things happened and who did what. He didn't even carry written notes, just a binder full of historical pictures of what the city would have looked like before the bridges or during the time of older, demolished bridges in the same location.
This lecturer basically did what the tour guide did, but with an eye from engineering and equipped with a much wider range of knowledge on this one structure.
Reflecting on this, I could probably do that. Well, I wouldn't be a great tour guide at first, and I don't have all the engineering knowledge yet, but I do enjoy travel, learning from history, and researching how things were made, so maybe if I could learn this for personal enjoyment.
Before the dinner with various structural companies, they had a sort of job fair. I say sort of, because not many companies seemed like they were looking for people to work there (at least intern-wise). At least it was nice to see a good sized number of companies that at least seemed interested in potential students working as engineers there. I think a big thing that I got out of this was that I need to be more bold.
Boldness? Yeah, some who don't know me would say I'm the antithesis of bold. Quiet, reserved, and the most common one: shy. I loathe the word shy, because that's the filler word for people who think they're being nice to you but just don't think you're verbally engaging them enough. Quiet's used when you can't think of the right questions to push their buttons. Reserved is used when you don't know how to respond properly and don't want to state something that could be tactless. Regardless, people who you may box into as these are as intriguing or even more so than those who make their presence known. It just takes a little longer.
Anyway, I digress. I need to be more bold and unwavering in what I'm trying to say, because I do have notable questions to ask, but I'm too caught up in phrasing it well or I'm talking too fast that I have to repeat myself. Repetition is not bad, but it just comes off as nervousness and ultimately a bad first impression.
Other things I learned/re-heard as with most fairs:
-I should re-learn and be comfortable with Revit, as many companies are going towards Revit as opposed to focusing on Autocad. It's understandable, as Revit's a really neat program that takes a lot of the difficult detailed work and makes it easier by allowing you to choose section and elevation cuts on a building instead of just drafting it all individually. It definitely makes doing revisions easier since it's all on one file and not on different files/sheets.
-It's all about communication. Engineers are renowned for not knowing how to communicate with clients, architects, and heck, even other engineers. Don't be afraid to ask questions, since people are most likely willing to answer and it's better to ask a question if you don't know how to do something rather than blindly doing something wrong and then wasting time going back to fix what could have already been completed by now.
-There are firms that only do retrofitting and they're going to be fine in the economy since they do failure testing (seeing why things went wrong). One company had a team which scales buildings to see if anything has gone/can go wrong. That seems really cool and it's not just being holed up in an office all day; they are on-site much of the time.
-LEED/green building are big buzz words, and they're upgrading to LEED 2.2, but it's so new there's not really accountability for the buildings that are already LEED Certified. There needs to be accountability!
-Don't take more than a crate of books with you when you're taking the PE. More than a crate, and you're never going to have time to go through all of them, and plus all those books will go over the same material. You're just asking to fail. Buy the EIT/FE prep book; it'll save you on the EIT/FE book if you haven't taken thermo/fluids yet. Take classes before you take the PE, especially if you only focus on structures, because you know close to nothing about transportation and water management.
-Form vs. function; it used to be all function based, and now it's turning a lot towards the aesthetics. Doesn't it make our job so much more difficult in that we have to find more solutions to old as well new problems that arise from newer forms?
As I almost got home, I was ready to make the final right turn and was stopped at a red light. There were pedestrians out, so I didn't want to chance it. Plus it's Mardi Gras weekend, so ya'll know what that means. A cop car was just about to turn left, so I was just chillin' tapping my fingers to the beat of the music playing. As he turned, he just did a U-turn and parked right behind me with the flashing lights on. OH SNAP. What'd I do, and I'm like gonna sweat some bullets right then, but then I realized he was just pulling over to talk to a drunk dude mouthing off, so it was all good. Paranoia gets the best of me, but I really needn't fear.
Choose to do the right things for the right reasons.
Saturday, February 21, 2009
breakthrough
I wrote this today, but it took a few days to get on paper and to really think through.
Tonight, though, I had a breakthrough. Like, srsly. Foreals. I've been feeling pretty critical, so it was nice to spend time alone and talk it through. I'll explain the "talking it through" in a sec.
So tonight, I was planning on attending IV (InterVarsity Christian Fellowship) just to check it out and see what it was like in that setting, but I guess they weren't meeting there because by the time I got to their usual meeting place, all the seats in the lecture hall were empty. REWIND back to last week, where I stayed in town (even though it was a 3-day weekend; it rained a lot) and had planned to check out that fellowship. Although I also tried going last week, our school had a weird Monday class schedule on that Friday because we already had one Monday off for a different holiday. As I was scrambling to find a seat in the lecture hall that night (albeit I was 5 minutes late), I realized that everyone had their notepads out and were taking notes. Strange, I thought; they should probably having a worship set right now and people should be singing. Then, turning to the front of the hall, I see a professor talking and writing on an overhead projector. GULP. So embarassing on my part. But then again, I don't get all that embarassed in public that much; all the embarassment I get is in my head.
Disappointed, I went home. I called a friend to pick what I should do next: plan A (typical) or B (just to relax). They picked B, so I went to grab some food and called another friend. I asked them whether or not I should go to the beach (granted it's only 15 minutes away). They said yes, and so off I drove with food in hand.
I really didn't know where I was going. 99.8% of the time I'm driving I'll know where I'm planning to go to, or at least someone will tell me which way to turn. This time, though, I "wasted" gas and drove where I thought would lead to a beach or nice view of the ocean. Typically, I would reason that I can think through things and come to a logical conclusion, so as to not waste my resources, but I decided to try something different this time.
It wasn't a particularly breathtaking view or a large area, but a small strip of land that someone/city dared to call a park. "Memory Park" was its name. Bizzare name, I thought, (a) memory/memories of what? Usually they'd tell you; like Memorial Park (as for veterans), but I guess -ial became a -y because they didn't have the space on the piece of plywood? I'm sure it would have been a better view in the day, but at night, the bright yellow-tinged street lamps obscured a clear view of the stars and didn't help to see the crashing waves.
After I had my fill of the sights and sounds, I just sat in my car, obstinate to go home at such an early hour. I didn't want to be home and probably just doing nothing anyway, so why not do nothing at a different place.
And so it started.
What started? I started talking to myself (implies talking aloud, silly). Then I started talking about God. Then I started talking to God.
Well this technique isn't new, but I started telling myself a simple "God, I know you love me."
And then I started emphasizing each word in succession; first emphasizing "God" and saying the rest, then emphasizing "I," etc. Yeah, and so what? The gears in my head started turning.
"God, I know you loved me before the world began."
"God, I know you loved me before my mom and dad met."
"God, I know you loved me before I was conceived."
"God, I know you loved me before I was born."
"God, I know you loved me before..."
etc.
I broke down.
I don't know why, but talking through it, affirming God's sovereign love helped me get out of feeling so upset.
Then I just kept on going down the grocery list to God of complaints, criticisms, worries, hopes, fears, and whatever else jumped into my mind. I was almost giddy trying to think of more things, it was that good.
And then an hour and a half passed. A burden was lifted. I feel free again.
There's a reason I missed going to IV two weeks in a row and calling 2 friends randomly tonight.
So tonight, I was planning on attending IV (InterVarsity Christian Fellowship) just to check it out and see what it was like in that setting, but I guess they weren't meeting there because by the time I got to their usual meeting place, all the seats in the lecture hall were empty. REWIND back to last week, where I stayed in town (even though it was a 3-day weekend; it rained a lot) and had planned to check out that fellowship. Although I also tried going last week, our school had a weird Monday class schedule on that Friday because we already had one Monday off for a different holiday. As I was scrambling to find a seat in the lecture hall that night (albeit I was 5 minutes late), I realized that everyone had their notepads out and were taking notes. Strange, I thought; they should probably having a worship set right now and people should be singing. Then, turning to the front of the hall, I see a professor talking and writing on an overhead projector. GULP. So embarassing on my part. But then again, I don't get all that embarassed in public that much; all the embarassment I get is in my head.
Disappointed, I went home. I called a friend to pick what I should do next: plan A (typical) or B (just to relax). They picked B, so I went to grab some food and called another friend. I asked them whether or not I should go to the beach (granted it's only 15 minutes away). They said yes, and so off I drove with food in hand.
I really didn't know where I was going. 99.8% of the time I'm driving I'll know where I'm planning to go to, or at least someone will tell me which way to turn. This time, though, I "wasted" gas and drove where I thought would lead to a beach or nice view of the ocean. Typically, I would reason that I can think through things and come to a logical conclusion, so as to not waste my resources, but I decided to try something different this time.
It wasn't a particularly breathtaking view or a large area, but a small strip of land that someone/city dared to call a park. "Memory Park" was its name. Bizzare name, I thought, (a) memory/memories of what? Usually they'd tell you; like Memorial Park (as for veterans), but I guess -ial became a -y because they didn't have the space on the piece of plywood? I'm sure it would have been a better view in the day, but at night, the bright yellow-tinged street lamps obscured a clear view of the stars and didn't help to see the crashing waves.
After I had my fill of the sights and sounds, I just sat in my car, obstinate to go home at such an early hour. I didn't want to be home and probably just doing nothing anyway, so why not do nothing at a different place.
And so it started.
What started? I started talking to myself (implies talking aloud, silly). Then I started talking about God. Then I started talking to God.
Well this technique isn't new, but I started telling myself a simple "God, I know you love me."
And then I started emphasizing each word in succession; first emphasizing "God" and saying the rest, then emphasizing "I," etc. Yeah, and so what? The gears in my head started turning.
"God, I know you loved me before the world began."
"God, I know you loved me before my mom and dad met."
"God, I know you loved me before I was conceived."
"God, I know you loved me before I was born."
"God, I know you loved me before..."
etc.
I broke down.
I don't know why, but talking through it, affirming God's sovereign love helped me get out of feeling so upset.
Then I just kept on going down the grocery list to God of complaints, criticisms, worries, hopes, fears, and whatever else jumped into my mind. I was almost giddy trying to think of more things, it was that good.
And then an hour and a half passed. A burden was lifted. I feel free again.
There's a reason I missed going to IV two weeks in a row and calling 2 friends randomly tonight.
Friday, February 20, 2009
the beginning
Ahoy there,
It's me. I've moved on because xanga has gotten tired. I mean, with the whole design upgrade and expansion thing, it just seems overdone. Perhaps it's just me-- and I can take most sugary coated trendy pop-culture hullabaloo-- but the front page is just filled with junk. Sure, the flashy, eye catching titles may draw you in, but there's little substance behind each post and even a serious titled post ends up being a ZOMG LAWLS picture-fest of fails. In particular, in my mind it has kind of been branded as being much more emo, and geared to younger audiences who are barraged and have grown up in a media-based and express-yourself-through-myspace culture. I think to some effect that's what LiveJournal was, but it's a little older and has not hyped itself much after a while.
I hope to utilize this blog more often than my old one.
Toodles.
It's me. I've moved on because xanga has gotten tired. I mean, with the whole design upgrade and expansion thing, it just seems overdone. Perhaps it's just me-- and I can take most sugary coated trendy pop-culture hullabaloo-- but the front page is just filled with junk. Sure, the flashy, eye catching titles may draw you in, but there's little substance behind each post and even a serious titled post ends up being a ZOMG LAWLS picture-fest of fails. In particular, in my mind it has kind of been branded as being much more emo, and geared to younger audiences who are barraged and have grown up in a media-based and express-yourself-through-myspace culture. I think to some effect that's what LiveJournal was, but it's a little older and has not hyped itself much after a while.
I hope to utilize this blog more often than my old one.
Toodles.
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