shaking off the rust...

...and writing again

The urge to write was there, but the ideas mulling around weren't as concrete yet.
I guess a theme started in January, after watching this video:

If you don't want to watch all twenty minutes of it, here are the main points I got out of watching this:

-"Shame and fear unraveled connection. Shame- the fear of disconnection- is there something about me that if others know/sees that, I won’t be worthy of connection; thinking “I’m not ___ enough.”  Excruciating vulnerability- we must allow ourselves to be really seen."

-"These people have these in common: wholehearted, courage-to tell the story of who you are with your whole heart (courage to be imperfect), compassion (to be kind to themselves first, then others), connection (as a result of authenticity; willing to let go of who they thought they should be to be who they were); fully embraced vulnerability- believed that what made them vulnerable made them beautiful (necessary), willingness to do something."

This brought me to think and want to be wholehearted, though there are various instances when we are or we aren't.  Then I thought about how I could go about this change and the source of why I wanted to be wholehearted.  In the past, I saw this outward change as something you had to manufacture or just something to aim for, e.g. "I need to smile," but how could you go about this; it'd all be fake.  Instead, the changes are more like the walls you put up needing to be torn down. Or the cleaning of the inside.

Not one to settle for something given in a video/talk, I wanted to discover it for myself.  I began a word study on "heart" in the Bible, Excel-ling it up with concordance references.  It didn't take me too long before I got lazy and stopped grouping the verses into key words/themes.  Perhaps this will take me on many future studies on areas I don't fully understand.

The shame and fear part didn't really resound with me then.  Now, close to six months later, I'm terrified of telling people certain facets of setbacks that have occurred.  It's stubbornness, pride, and to some extent, wrapped up in an identity of who I thought I was or had to be.  This just another opportunity to be wholehearted and tell the truth.  I need to stop playing victim to circumstances and letting that dictate my behavior.